God Save the Cookie

I don’t often fall for paranoid fantasies, but sometimes. . . To pay for his half-baked health care plan, President Obama is relying on massive cost savings that supposedly will result from us becoming healthier under his new plan.

Sure, fewer jobs means less exposure to occupational hazards and less income to be used on junk food. But it won’t be enough. So they are considering a ten cent a can tax on soda. Over my dead, bloated, toothless body Mr. President.

Still, alone this information is merely ludicrous. But when mixed with the knowledge that Nestle is being forced to recall all of its cookie dough, I become concerned. Could this be mere coincidence? I think not.

Ladies and gentleman, the Obama administration has begun a war against the cookie, a war we must stop.

We must rise from our couches and demand the right to eat cookies. Be firm my soft, chewy friends. I call upon you to eat cookies wherever possible as a matter of civil disobedience. I call upon you to open secret bakeries, hidden speakeasies behind health club fronts. I call upon you to send empty cookie boxes to Washington in protest.

We must never surrender. So long as one of us knows how to bake. . . so long as someone somewhere has the courage to say, “I could use a cookie”. . . so long as milk is sold in stores. . . we must defend our rights! Eat cookies or perish.

If you don’t, this could be our future. . .