From the top of Commentarama Towers (right), the Commentarama Science Division has done it again! With the assistance of stimulus dollars and secure in the knowledge that air travel is safe now that little old ladies can no longer smuggle nail scissors onto planes, the CSD has come up with the perfect pill to treat the symptoms of liberal angst: Placebocort™.Are you worried about things? Does stuff seem kind of dangerous to you? Do you find yourself wondering why nobody does something to fix these things?
Well don’t let your liberal angst ruin your life. Ask your Congressman about Placebocort™. Placebocort™ is the little red pill from the makers of the Guaranteed Security Device, the Cost-Free Bail Out Pill, Unearned Respect, and the Self-Esteem vaccination.
Don’t let the real world keep you down. Take Placebocort™ and feel better. Placebocort™ works by making you think that liberal policies will actually improve your life. Afraid that the economy is in the tank, Placebocort™ lets you believe that spending “government money” will fix that right up. Afraid that terrorist will turn your city into a smoldering heap of ash with an Iranian bomb, Placebocort™ lets you believe that endangering Poland will make Iran change its ways. Afraid your kids aren’t being educated, Placebocort™ lets you believe that paying the same failing teachers more will make it all better. Take the pill. . . ignorance is bliss. . .
“I don’t have the intelligence to comprehend cause and effect, and I want someone else to solve all my problems, and that makes Placebocort™ a good choice for me!” -- Joe B.
Placebocort™ is not intended to treat liberalism, though it gives temporary relief to liberal angst. Symptoms will return in an intensified way with Placebocort™. Placebocort™ should not be taken by conservatives, by women who are pregnant, have been pregnant, could become pregnant or could have become pregnant, or by anyone with a will to live.
Placebocort™ is not intended to replace actual, workable policies, and it may interfere with your learning reflex.
Side-effects are generally considered moderate to heavy, at first, and grow in intensity over time. Symptoms may include unintended consequences, confusion, delusions, euphoria, intensified stupidity, increased deficits, decreased security, loss of opportunity, worsening health, diarrhea, and even death, though other symptoms generally lessen following death.
“I’m enjoying life again because of Placebocort™.” Hillary C.
Do not drink alcohol to excess with Placebocort™, but do drink alcohol.
If you go blind while taking Placebocort™, just keep taking more until sight returns.
See your doctor if liberalism worsens.
“Placebocort™ helped me see my opponents as Nazis, which is nice, but I don't like the moderate to heavy diarrhea.” Nancy P.
** These statements not evaluated by the FDA.
Is it available to college students?
ReplyDeleteI didn't realize Placebocort had been around that long. I took something similar in the 60s and 70s. It was called Tanqueray. I took a lot of Tanqueray.
ReplyDeleteJoel, It was tested on college students, it worked very well. Though, the side-effects were a little worse. . . and it made them smell like Kool Aid for some strange reasons.
ReplyDeleteLawhawk, Placebocort is brand spanking new, yep. . . not a copyright violation in any way.
Along with the PlacebocortTM pill it’s also a good idea to use Placebocort Salve, for those hard to heal rashes and hives. So once your mind is turned to mush and your taking your PlacebocortTM as prescribed by your Obamacare physician …and the bedsores are building up -- don’t forget your Placebocort Salve …state issued …and don’t forget …Barry approved : )
ReplyDeleteThat’s fun Andrew, dig the alter universe, …or is it?
Glad you enjoyed it Stan, I hope it's an alternate universe, but . . .
ReplyDeleteOMG, too funny!
ReplyDeleteIt's a shame there is no pill for the other way, just good old fashioned common sense and personal responsibility. It'd be so much easier to take a pill!
CrispyRice, Sadly, a common sense pill would take some serious science. It's easier to put a little sugar into a capsule and let the people kid themselves. . . ;-)
ReplyDeletePerhaps The Boiler Room Elves, can help with the common sense pill! Just get Lawhawk to bribe them with a trip them to the opera, they will use their elfin magic and …wa-la …the common sense pill will be ready for the masses.
ReplyDeleteStan, Do you know how awesome it would be if we could come up with a common sense pill?
ReplyDeleteIt would certainly be worth a little blood, sweat and elf tears. . . or at least some opera tickets!
I've asked my doctor if Placebocort is right for me.
ReplyDeleteHe asked me if I minded becoming impotent since apparently it causes males' testicles to drop off unexpectedly.
I passed on the prescription.
Alas, the common sense pill is never going to work. We have indeed created a successful one, but it's rather expensive. And every time people achieve 95% common sense, they begin to think that paying $5,000 per pill isn't so sensical after all and they stop taking it again. Luckily, we usually recapture them as they become stupid again, but the cycle continues.
ReplyDeleteAnd sadly, there were a great deal of test subjects in the stupid phase of the cycle roughly last November...
The elves will demand box seats to the Met once we solve this riddle. Back to the lab!
LL, There are indeed some side effects. That might be one of them.
ReplyDeleteElves, That sounds like quite a scam you've got going.
Sounds reasonable to me, to the Met it is.
ReplyDeleteThis is hilarious. Thanks, Andrew. Today, of all days, I needed a good laugh. As an aside, will a pitcher of martinis work just as well?
ReplyDeleteWriter X: I think it might depend. Gin or Vodka?
ReplyDeleteBev, Vodka. Definitely. And a couple of olives ought to do it.
ReplyDeletewow Andrew, moderate to heavy d with Pelosi . . .not a very pretty thought, I must say, but then when is Pelosi ever a pretty thought? Remember back when you had the piece about favorite words? Well how about liberal angst? I know, I know you say-- that's two words, but you must admit, it surely sounds right for what it is describing and veritably slides off the tongue like shit through a goose.
ReplyDeleteWriter X, I'm glad to hear that I added a little cheer to your day! :-)
ReplyDeleteI would like to tell you that a pitcher of martinis works as a substitute, but then the FDA would get all upset at me.
Jed, We can always add that to the list. And no, you're right, there aren't many pretty thoughts that involve Pelosi!
ReplyDeletePrescription renewals!! That explains everything!
ReplyDeleteEvery so often one of the liberalists pipe up with a coherent thought. I had been at a loss to explain the random moments of "getting it". Now I understand that they were actually in a lull between prescription renewals!! Thanks for the insight.