Ladies and gentlemen, I am a sucker for lost causes. So this weekend I decided to take up the lostest causes of all: the Democratic Party. To help them, I put together an agenda that would regain the initiative for them in 2010 and beyond. Yes, I did that thing. Follow this plan my Democratic friends and you will win this election. . . guaranteed. Without further adieu, I present to you the new Democratic Agenda:1. The Freedom From Speech Act: People hate hate speech. This act will ban any speech that anyone might consider offensive and any words that could be used to express such thoughts, no matter how such words are spelled on twitter.
2. The Random Choice Act: Discrimination is everywhere and our government has turned a sight-impaired eye for far too long. This act will ban discrimination of any kind, rational or irrational, in any kind of choice. That’s right. To end the specter of discrimination, this law will hereafter require that all decisions be made using a random decision generator, with the results posted on the internet.
3. The American Film Re-Restoration Act: Have you ever been to the movies and just found yourself so offended because of hidden messages in the films? Are you tired of seeing thinly-burqaed two hour promotions for the NRA? Does it bother you that films hide behind stereotypical bad guys when we all know who the real bad guys are but the rich white men who run studios won’t let us tell the truth? Well, we’re going to set aside $850 billion stimulus dollars to correct the film-based injustices of the past. Our first plan will be to repair Saving Private Ryan by digitally removing all the guns, by replacing these so-called “Nazis” with Republicans, and by moving these “Nazi” deathcamps to Crawford, Texas.
4. The George Bush Did It Act: From now on, by law, once a week, all editorialists will voluntarily write how something they have complained about during the week can be attributed to George Bush.
5. The Let My Voters Go Act: Prison discriminates against criminals. You don’t see non-criminals locked up. This seems like an insidious form of discrimination. This act will free all criminals unless the prison can prove that it has not unfairly targeted the convicted.
6. The Carbon Free America Act: There is an element in nature that is dangerous beyond all others. The release of this element causes the planet to warm, it can be radioactive, breathing it can kill you, and it can seriously scorch your droid. Rich Republican businessmen love this element, and they all possess it. . . carbon. It’s time we stood up to this monster to make the world safe for our children. Hence, this legislation will require the country to go 100% carbon free. That’s right, we’re going to do whatever it takes to rid our country of carbon.
That or we could just introduce a new logo.
Anything you would add?
Bi-partisan support for the "we are all socialists now" act with the"cing to your religion and guns" rider and the "we are all victims now"amendment. :} !
ReplyDeleteAndrew: Does this mean I'll finally get to realize my dream of playing in the NBA? They've been discriminating against my short, white, old, unathletic body for decades now.
ReplyDeleteLOL! 'Course, after your 1st point, the rest of the article should've been blank, Andrew! :)~
ReplyDeleteOh, and I think I'll add the "Cookies are a NEVER Food Act" which will ban the producing, growing, selling, giving, consuming, watching consuming of, or day-dreaming about any food other than native grasses and whatever berries you can find growing in the wild.
ReplyDeleteThat'll take care of the obesity problem AND the over-farming / genetic engineering of crops crowds. (And BONUS - eventually over-population, too!)
Jed, I love the idea of a "Bipartisan Support Act" -- but why stop with just "We are all socialists now?" Great thinking! Mucho potential!
ReplyDeleteLawhawk, I think it's horrible how they've kept you out of the NBA! But your suffering will be avenged! :-)
ReplyDeleteCrispy, Excellent point about the first one wiping out the rest of the agenda. Of course, as liberals we can always exempt ourselves from our own laws because we have good intentions!
ReplyDeleteAnd I love the Cookie Act -- especially the part forbidding "day-dreaming." That's very much in the liberal spirit there! LOL!
Fun article! I particularly like your logo - Democrats Change Matter. They change matter into what? Energy? Dark matter? Heh.
ReplyDeleteThanks DUQ! I'm pretty sure it's anti-matter if its anything. They seem to be anti-everything else. :-)
ReplyDeleteOoh! Ooh! I know! Require all Americans to attend at least four years of college, where every class must work in a reference to how evil America is. Mathematics 101: "Rich white men, such as those running this country, have traditionally used arithmetic as a means of excluding those unfamiliar with the procedure." English 101: "Note the ways in which the word 'the' can be used to convey American xenophobia and bigotry." I can do this all day.
ReplyDeleteT_Rav, LOL! You sound like someone who has had a few unpleasant teachers! The idea of re-education is a long time liberal dream that goes way, way, way back. Good call! We wouldn't even need camps with your plan, we'll just convert colleges into these re-education centers! ;-)
ReplyDeleteDream the Dream Individual Anti Discrimination Act - support for any legislation that would benefit the individual in any endeavor for which the individual chooses regardless of qualification - including mandatory admission to the college/university of your choice, paid spots on any reality show, American Idol, and sports teams. Because to demand a set level of qualifications is discriminatory.
ReplyDeleteBev, I think that would be covered by the Random Choice Act, but it would be good to spell it out. You're right -- demanding qualification or ability just discriminates against those who don't have either. . . and that's just wrong.
ReplyDeleteAndrew - Oops! But then again, what's more Congressional than redundant, meaningless legislation? We could suggest they appoint a committee of "experts" to study which committee of "experts" will study which Act is less discriminatory...
ReplyDeleteAnd the beauty is that the "experts" won't have to be qualified to study the study.
And for an extra added bonus - more jobs created (or saved)!
Bev, Now that's the spirit! You literally made my head spin with your suggestion! :-)
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of non-qualified experts examining a panel of non-qualified experts to see if they can determine which law will result in less (or is it more) discrimination? Yikes!
Voters love committees!
7. The You Are Free To Have Your Own Opinions As Long As They Are Ours Act
ReplyDelete8. The If You Disagree with #7 Then You Should Just Shut-It Act
9 The I'll Hold Your Wallet For You Act
Man, i'm gonna be thinking of these all night...
Patti, LOL! I love it! Keep 'em coming! I really love the "We'll Hold Your Wallet For You Act"!!
ReplyDeleteAndrew, it's just been a very rough day here in left-wing graduate school. Seriously, I made that up off the top of my head, but as I'm sure you're aware, it's not far from the current situation. I know more than one professor who would say stuff like that without a trace of irony.
ReplyDeleteT_Rav, I do indeed know what you're talking about.
ReplyDeleteUsually I made life hell for teachers like that (something I was very good at -- I've had a teacher storm out in the middle of class on me after I made a fool of him in Con law, I had one give me 0 participation points, and one banned me from office hours because he didn't want to talk to me after I'd spent two weeks poking huge, obvious holes in everything he said).
But there was one guy who actually got me to leave the class. I decided that was better than sticking around and murdering him. . . though it was a close call at the time. This particular event happened after the jerkoff told us how he hoped someone would assassinate George Bush I, right after spending 20 minutes telling us how he picked beans for the Sandinistas the year before.
Our colleges need to be purged of professors who offer nothing but ideology. That a student could get these fools spinning around like idiots and blow holes in everything they said is a sad testament to their skills as teachers.
Andrew, as far as I'm concerned higher education is fundamentally screwed up, on multiple levels. If the Tea Party holds together over the long term, that's an issue it'll eventually have to address. Too many people my age pass through the ivory tower and get convinced that's how the world really works.
ReplyDeleteAside from the drek I heard today about the War on Terror being a cover for American imperialism, the greatest thing I've heard thus far in college came from a professor of Chinese history who was telling us once about a Communist intellectual (forgive the oxymoron) who ran afoul of Mao once, and as he's not a very articulate individual he trailed off in mid-sentence, "he was eventually..." and groped for the words. I raised my hand and helpfully suggested, "Shot?" After a few moments of being totally taken aback, he replied in a shocked tone, "No, he wasn't shot! He was sent to a labor camp!"
T_Rav, I think you'll be surprised when you get out how few people bought into the crap they were fed in college. Still, I agree with you -- colleges need to be depoliticized (especially state schools).
ReplyDeleteRight now they waste vast amounts of time and money on stupid, pointless and fraudulent courses that are little more than an excuse for a professor to have a hobby or to spout political garbage. And to add insult to injury, they make those courses mandatory because they know that no one would take them otherwise.
I think this is the direct consequence of federal money making it too easy for schools to avoid hard choices. We need to cut off that flow first and foremost. That will force them to drop the fat and keep the real classes that people actually demand. Secondly, I'd like to see conservatives get involved in state boards of education which run state colleges and implement a return to basics and a de-mandatorying of the political classes. When schools are short on money and they find that these classes attract three students out of 40,000, the administrations will wake up.
That said, however, the thing about modern college is that it all depends on what programs you are in. This garbage is all in the fringes of the humanities departments and the political science departments. You rarely see it in economics, business, science or engineering schools.
Funny! I love the humor articles. Have you considered a bill to disqualify all votes that aren't for Democrats? We could call it the Truth In Election Fraud Act!
ReplyDeleteEd, I like that! And very to the point. Why bother with politicing when you can just rig the elections! Good thinking!
ReplyDeleteThis is hilarious. But I thought they already enacted The Let My Voters Go Act, at least in certain cities with large Democratic populations.
ReplyDeleteWriter X, Thanks! :-)
ReplyDeleteYes, they did pass it in certain cities, but now we're going nationwide!