Once again, our contacts at the White House have helped us get the jump on other media. Behold, more Barack tapes! These are good too, these are the secret tapes of the entire meeting between Bill Clinton and our President. Read on.....Obama: Uh, thanks for coming, Mr. President.
Clinton: Thank you for inviting me, Mr. President.
Obama: I could sure use some help.
Clinton: Oh, I know you can. I watch the news. What can I do for you Barack?
Obama: Things aren’t looking good right now. The economy’s in the tank. The election was a disaster. Nancy Pelosi was throwing eggs at Air Force One last night.
Clinton: Sounds pretty bad.
Obama: It is. What would you do, if you were me?
Clinton: Well, I don’t really need to think I’m you to give you advice. You do know I was the nation’s first black President, don’t you?
Obama: What?
Clinton: The first black President, that’s me. Trust me, I know what it’s like to have people hate you just for your race.
Obama: You’re not even black.
Clinton: Am too. I was the first black President. Seriously. I was there when you were still trying to sneak across the border from Kenya. Face it, you’re number two. . . and you’re not even all black.
Obama: Let’s not go there. Just give me the advice and let’s get this over with.
Clinton: Alright, alright. First thing you could do is resign. Nixon did that and it helped his popularity a lot. Hilly and I could take over.
** silence **
Clinton: Ok, you don’t like that. Well, let’s take this in parts. First, you gotta fix the economy. The voters ain’t a knockin’ if the economy ain’t a rockin’.Obama: Yeah, I get that, but how do I do it?
Clinton: Here’s the single most important thing I can tell you about running an economy.
Obama: Yes?
** sound of cabinet opening **
Clinton: You got an booze? I used to keep booze around here.
Obama: No. Now get to the point.
Clinton: Not even a Colt 45? Come on.
Obama: Is that another racist crack?
Clinton: Racist? How can I be racist? I was the first black President, I can’t be racist.
Obama: Forget the booze, get on with it!
Clinton: Ok, here’s the secret. Let the Republicans do what they want to do. Those fellars are smart as heck when it comes to economic stuff. All their voodoo tax cuts this and less regulation that. . . I don’t know how it works, but man does it ever. Whatever they propose, just agree to it and then run out and tell everybody you came up with it?
Obama: What about being progressive?
Clinton: That stuff’s just for show. You didn't take that seriously, did you? No wonder Pelosi's pissed at you, she must think you're an idiot if you took that stuff seriously.
Obama: What else have you got?
Clinton: Triangulate.
Obama: How do I do that?
Clinton: Heck if I know. Just steal everybody’s ideas and blame everybody else for messing everything up. That worked for me.
Obama: Brilliant! . . . blame everybody else.
** more cabinets opening **
Clinton: Man, I was reading some of those Wikileaks things. If I knew diplomatic cables were so entertaining, I would’a read some when I was President.
Obama: You never read the cables?
Clinton: Heck no.
Obama: Well, this Wikileaks issue is a real problem and I don’t know what to do about it.
Clinton: I could take care of this Asschange guy for ya. Hillary’s got some people. . .
Obama: What kind of people?
Clinton: I promised her I wouldn’t say. Let’s just say, they took care of a couple problems for us.
** silence **
Clinton: Look, I can call her and get a Vince Foster special for ya by Monday.
Obama: Uh, no, let’s skip that.
Clinton: Suit yourself. I could throw in Biden for free. . . my treat?
Obama: Biden? Everyone keeps talking about “Joe Biden,” but I honestly never heard that name before. Who is that guy?
Clinton: He’s like Al Gore, only funny. Hey, let me ask, how are you staffed for interns?
Obama: What?
Clinton: Interns? Any hotties?
Obama: I wouldn’t know.
Clinton: What? How can you not know?
Obama: I just don’t.
Clinton: Wait! Wait a minute! Holy cow! You throw like a girl. Skinny jeans. You don’t know when you met your wife. . . and she ain’t exactly a looker. And you don’t look at the interns? Wow, two and two is coming up pretty gay around here if you ask me.
Obama: Let’s change the topic.
Clinton: Trust me, I feel your pain.
Obama: No, you don’t.
Clinton: Well I could.
Obama: What?
Clinton: Come on, everybody’s doing it. Come on, don’t ask, don’t tell. Let me feel your pain!
Obama: What!
Clinton: Come on, whip that sucker out. Let’s compare Presidents!
Obama: Stop it.
** sound of person being chased around desk **
Clinton: Oh come on, goochie coo!
Obama: Stop it, dammit!
Clinton: Oh, alright. Hey, do you realize that with you being half white and me being black, we’re like that Paul McCartney Michael Jackson song, “Ebony and Irony”? Remember that?
Obama: I don’t like the Beatles.
Clinton: No, you’re probably into rap aren’t you? That’s cool. I met Sir Mixalot once. . . “I like big butts and I cannot lie...”
Obama: Stop! Now!
Clinton: Oh, alright. Insecure about your small back door, huh?
** silence **
Clinton: Man, I miss this office. They should have elected me to another term. . . hey, can I be your vice president?
Obama: No.
Clinton: I’d let you be mine.
Obama: No. Let’s talk about this press conference.
Clinton: What do you want to do?
Obama: You understand, I’m going to answer a few questions. I’ll introduce you. Then you give a quick statement about how hard we’re working and how honored you are about being back to help out, right?
Clinton: Being black?
Obama: Back!
Clinton: Oh, I got ya.
Obama: Then I make some joke about my wife waiting for me.
Clinton: Then we whip out our Presidents!
Obama: NO! Then you wave to the crowd and you and I come back here. Got it?
Clinton: Yeah, I got it.
Obama: Don’t deviate from that script.
Clinton: I would never do that to a fellow Mr. President, Mr. President.
Obama: Ok, let’s go.
Clinton: Lead on. . . fer a change. ** slaps Obama on the back **
** 10 minutes later, Obama re-enters room **
Obama: That was a good conference, don’t you think so Bill? Bill? Where the hell is Bill?
Aide: He’s still in the conference room, sir.
Obama: What’s he doing?
Aide: I believe he’s doing shots off Helen Thomas’s old chair.
Obama: Oh God! What are we going to do?
Aide: We could push the red button, sir?
Obama: Nuke the Russians?
Aide: The other red button, sir.
Obama: You mean have him Shellacked?
Aide: It worked on Ted Kennedy.
Obama: I told you never to talk about that.
** Clinton enters room **
Clinton: Woo boy was that fun. That was like the old days. I think that ABC News hottie likes me. You mind sending Hillary overseas again?
Obama: Just what the heck are you doing?!
Clinton: Hey, I give great conference. And did you see their reaction? Mr. President is back baby!
Obama: Bill, get the hell out of this White House and never come back.
Clinton: Ok Barack, you can throw me out now. . . but I will be back. Maybe not tomorrow or the next day, but January 2012. . . I’ll be back.
** sound of button being pushed repeatedly **
** End of Tape **
"then they whip out their presidents!" Andrew lots of laughs; great job (rim shot)
ReplyDeleteThanks Jed! Yeah, I liked that line a lot! It seemed very Clinton. LOL!
ReplyDeleteBy the way, am I the only one who thought it was truly bizarre that Obama left the conference for Clinton to finish?
ReplyDeleteIt was truly bizarre, Andrew. The images Drudge had up yesterday were priceless--Obama looking on at Clinton running the show. It doesn't get any more obvious than that.
ReplyDeleteAnother blog I read yesterday (Michelle Malkin?) was doing a "What if Bush had done this?" Can you imagine? Bush running back to his father to save him at a press conference? Can you imagine what the media would be saying?
ReplyDeletePitts, I think the whole thing was surreal because I can't imagine any President so clearly handing off to a prior President and basically saying, "this guy know more than I do."
ReplyDeleteClinton certainly loved it though! And I can totally see this rekindling his desire to get back into power somehow. . . "come on Hilly, run for me!"
I think if Bush had done this, the media would have gone insane. They would cancel evening programming to run an SNL special mocking the incident. MSNBC would be asking (around the clock) if this was an admission that Bush was in over his head and asking whether he should resign. Headlines would be screaming, "Bush calls daddy for help!" The networks would have trotted out Clinton/Carter era press secretaries to talk about this being unprecedented and unseemly. Etc. etc.
I'm happy to see President Clinton return to the White House. I think President Obama is very smart to call upon his experience.
ReplyDeleteJanet, I think it was smart too, but that doesn't change the fact that Clinton turned it into a circus already. Plus, I think Obama's going to have a real problem following Clinton's advice because Clinton was very malleable as a politician, whereas Obama's base is hardcore and rigid. So the more he follows Clinton's advice, the angrier his base will get.
ReplyDeleteGreat stuff! Very funny! I thought I was having flashbacks when I saw Clinton at the podium. Lol!
ReplyDeleteThanks Ed! I'm glad you enjoyed it. I could see Clinton saying pretty much everything he says here. ;-)
ReplyDeleteAs for Clinton at the press conference, what got me was that Obama walked away and left Clinton to run the show. That's like having a party at your house and then leaving once it gets started.
No Andrew, it's like "Here, you do the hard stuff. I can't. I've got a party to go to."
ReplyDeleteAnd Janet - Yes, use Clinton in the background to call on Congresspersons to get support. Put him on the Sunday talkshow circuit. But to bring him to the WH Briefing Room and relinquish the podium to Bill and then walk out, is just unprecedented and not in a good way. Perception is everything in politics. And he can't even muster the illusion that he's in charge. The only person that should be filling in for Obama is Biden (God help us). I am tired of these "unprecedented" and "historic" moments from Obama. He has managed to cheapen the office of the President more than even Nixon could. It's a disgrace. If he can't handle the job then he should resign.
Even WILSON after his stroke had a better grip on the office...[end rant]
Bev, Nice rant! I agree entirely. This was truly unseemly for him to hand off to Clinton. It either shows that he doesn't know what he's doing or he doesn't care enough about the public to answer a few questions. It truly was disrespectful to us.
ReplyDeleteAnd if for some reason he had to leave, you're right (yes, God help us), he should have handed over to Biden -- not Clinton, not Puffy Daddy, not Oprah, not an other private citizen. He represents all of us, his job is to do that -- he can't farm that out!!
This is the same problem as when he disappears to the golf course. He simply does not understand the job.
Why can't we be rid of the Clintons? I couldn't stand watching him on television then and I sure as heck can't stand watching him now. Not that I like Barry any better, but come on people! What's next? Carter?
ReplyDeleteDane, I got pretty sick of Clinton too at the time, largely because he was on my television ALL THE TIME. . . they couldn't open a 7-11 without Clinton showing up.
ReplyDeleteBut at this point, I see him more like a bull in a Democratic china shop. He's fun to watch because every time he appears on my television, things blow up in Democratic ranks. :-)
Bev and Andrew, I too think this was disrespectful to us. I kept thinking, I can't imagine my boss gathering everyone together and then saying, "I gotta go do something, this guy will sort you out," and my boss is nowhere near as important as a president of the United States. This has been the thing with Obama from the beginning, he's shown nothing but contempt for us and this is no different. This is the same guy who goes to foreign countries to accuse us of being jerks. He's also the guy who belittles us as clingers. So now he blows us off. The guy is a jerk and he sees us with nothing but contempt.
ReplyDeleteThat's the best dialog I've heard since Beavis and Butthead.
ReplyDeleteFunny stuff Andrew! It probably is a good move for Obama to call on Clinton, but I agree with Bev, it's just unseemly.
ReplyDeleteEd, There is definitely a pattern of disrespect that we're seeing here. We've seen it from the moment Michelle told us she was finally proud of this country and Obama called us clingers right through every action this guy has taken.
ReplyDeleteLawhawk, Their policies sure sound like Bevis and Butthead came up with them.
ReplyDeleteCrispy, Thanks! I'm sure that Clinton has a lot of good advice for Obama, but will Obama follow it? Also, will his advice work with the modern Democratic Party, which is much more radicalized since Clinton's day? I don't know.
ReplyDeleteNot more Clintons! And that's not funny about Clinton being back in 2012! Of course, swapping Clinton for Obama might be a good thing.
ReplyDeleteDUQ, Swapping Clinton for Obama would probably get us better government, but I'd rather wait until 2012 to see if we can't get something even better... with thing with an "R" after the name! :-)
ReplyDeleteAndrew I am confused....
ReplyDeleteYou are suggesting that the President looked weak walking out of the room to let Bill Clinton have the floor alone.
I watched the press conference Andrew an I am pretty sure the teleprompter was there the whole time.... so what am I missing here!
BTW: Funny stuff
Thanks Indi!
ReplyDeleteLOL! Excellent point, I stand corrected, the teleprompter did not in fact leave the room! So I guess the real president was there to keep an eye on Bill!