Chris Berman: Welcome to another edition of NFL Wasteland.
Michael Irving: BOOO YA! (unintelligible) BAM, WHOABA (unintelligible) (unintelligible) (unintelligible) TOOL AIN’T (unintelligible) (unintelligible) (unintelligible) condom (unintelligible) (unintelligible) I WAS IN THE LEAGUE (unintelligible) WOODOMSMOO BA HAHA HA! //slaps table, laughs
Chris Berman: Well said.
Michael Irving: HOOOMA //slaps table, laughs WOOWOO (unintelligible) TERRY HAD HAIR MOYEAH! //mugs for the camera
Terry Bradshaw: Suuuuuee (unintelligible) (unintelligible) (unintelligible) Alabama (unintelligible) (unintelligible) good old boy (unintelligible) chicken in the porn-no theater (unintelligible) (unintelligible) still gots my hair.
Chris Berman: You’re like a latter day Linus Van Pelt, if Linus had Charlie Brown’s hairline. Your hair is going backbackbackbackbackbackback.
Washed Out Player You Can't Name No. 1: DOO BA MA YOO YOO JABBA NO DOO DOO SOLO //points, laughs, nods head
Howie Long: Am I the only one around here who can actually pass an English test?
Chris Berman: Insightful from our own Howie Longfellow Serenade? Who mentioned going backbackbackbackbackbackback to school. You heard it here first, folks. He... could... go... all... the... way!
Howie Long: //restrained from killing Berman by dart gun fired from off screen.
Animated robots march across screen, beat each other up in vaguely homoerotic manner
Phil Simms: IKNOWWESAYTEAMSNEEDTOSCOREMOREPOINTSTOWIN BUTISTHATREALLYTRUEINTHEMODERNERA?
Howie Long: How can you scream in monotone?
Phil Simms: IDONTKNOWIJUSTDO.
Washed Out Player You Can’t Name No. 2: HE GET BLOWED UP BLOWED UP! HE GET BLOWED UP! //points, laughs like jackal
Michael Irving: (unintelligible) HOO MA (unintelligible) NEW LEAGUE (unintelligible) //slaps table, laughs, mugs for the camera
Chris Berman: Michael, like a latter day Walter Cronkite, you interviewed the quarterback of the New... York... Football... Giants... about this very topic. Roll the tape.
Michael Irving: //holds pen, tries to look serious (unintelligible) (unintelligible) (unintelligible) (unintelligible) (unintelligible) //points, laughs (unintelligible) (unintelligible) (unintelligible) (unintelligible) (unintelligible) (unintelligible) (unintelligible) (unintelligible) (unintelligible) (unintelligible) //points, laughs (unintelligible) (unintelligible) (unintelligible) (unintelligible) (unintelligible) (unintelligible) //mugs for the cameraChris Berman: Surely, a controversial stance. Yet, touching like a Hamburger Helper Glove at a petting zoo.
Interviewed Player: Uh. What?
Washed Out Player You Can't Name No. 2: //slaps table, laughs, points finger at others, laughs again It's all one day's time... game inches... gotta want it more... any givens Sunday
Michael Irving: (unintelligible) (unintelligible) HOO HA! //mugs for the camera
Animated robots return, give each other swirlies
Chris Berman: What do you think ratings girl?
Blonde Chick: Lindsay Lohan is my role model and I mesmerized all the team names before they hired me. //tries to squeeze breasts into camera without looking like she's squeezing breasts into camera
Washed Out Player You Can't Name No. 1: FABA FOOBA BLOWEDS UP (unintelligible) (unintelligible) (unintelligible) //falls out of chair with heart attack symptoms
Michael Irving: //mugs for the camera
Generic Coach: Yeeeeeeeeeeehaw. The team that scores more points before the game ends is gonnnah win this game. I guaaaaruntee it.
Chris Berman: Now you know everything you need to know about the PITTSBERRRG Steelas today. Where else are you going to hear this kind of analysis? We'll be right back.
It’s like being trapped in a room with crackheads... or watching The View.
Let me add that I honestly miss Howard Cosell. He may have been controversial, but at least he was interesting.
ReplyDelete(unintelligible) TOOL AIN’T (unintelligible) (unintelligible)
ReplyDeleteWell, I guess now you know why they've banned head hits.
K, Seriously. You know, there are some very bright, very likable former players who actually can speak the language, can conjugate verbs, can enunciate words... and yet, they keep going with the guys who sound punch drunk. It's become painful to listen to. Then they seem to tell them, "When in doubt, just laugh like a jackass." Good God!
ReplyDeleteAndrew......Pretty soon we're going to have a former player who refers to himself in the third person, as an NFL analyst......"Hi, this is Ray Lewis here to edumacate you on what Ray Lewis thinks of the players and coaches he used to play against."
ReplyDeleteIf they have him come on and do his f'ed up chicken, or squirrel, or rooster dance, I will never watch that show again. "Hi, I'm Ray Lewis here to examaplain my patented Ray Lewis intro dance move."
At least Philly gets to claim the prize for dislocating Irvin's brain to mouth connection!
Love your Generic Coach comments. Exactly!
Patriot, You will those coach comments as "wisdom" pretty much every broadcast. That tells you something about the level brainpower being used.
ReplyDeleteOk, now you're being silly. You've mixed up ESPN, FOX, and NBC people all in one room. That can't happen as it would cause a rift in the time-space continuum.
ReplyDeleteOn another note, Olberman is back on ESPN. I have only seen one small segment and I'll just say he is more interesting talking about sports than he is about politics.
Koshcat, Yeah, probably true. I wish that at least one of these networks would do something different. I would happily watch adults talking about the upcoming games.
ReplyDeleteI always thought Olberman was good on ESPN, but at this point, I despise him too much to be willing to watch. I will change the channel now if his face appears.
I miss Pat Sommerall and John Madden.
ReplyDeleteI liked Madden well enough, but I liked Sommerall better. I miss a lot of the older guys who actually felt they had to understand the game and talk about it.
ReplyDeleteI think that when they treated the NFL like news in the pregame shows and they hired people who were journalists first, the shows were a lot better. More intelligent, more informative, less cliche, more interesting. Also, you could understand what they said, they didn't spend the whole time laughing like jackals and acting like their in-jokes were what we wanted to hear.
Now they treat it like a drunken frat party and that totally turns me off.
In the booth, I wish they get away from players who can't do anything more than spit out the name of a formation and then spit out some sort of formulaic coach motivation speech: "You gotta want it!" "Give 100%!" "You've gotta make those plays." etc.
They have some bright people, they just don't let them go off script.
At one point, I used to listen to the radio announcers for local games, but they've swapped all those guys out for the same idiot players.
It's depressing.
Hey!! Hold it!! You gotta want it!!! Not 100%!! Not 105%!! You gotta want it and give it 110%!!! And if the R-Words want it, they gotta make those plays when it counts!!!
ReplyDeleteCoach, Would you say that the NFL stands for "Not For Long" if you don't want it 110%?
ReplyDeleteIs football perhaps a game of inches? Are games won in the offseason? Is discipline and fun what really matters?
So what is the deal with Tim Tebow? Why doesn't anyone like him?
ReplyDeleteBev, I think the Tebow issue is the pent up rage of the politically correct.
ReplyDeleteFor the past decade or two, it has been considered racist to criticize black quarterbacks. And the most racist thing you can say is that they would be better off playing some other position. Indeed, whenever a team or a scout or a scouting publication says that a black quarterback would be better as a wide receiver, the usual chorus of race baiters appears and screams racism until everyone agrees that it was racist and then repents.
So for two decades now, sports writers have been pretending that certain black quarterbacks with completion percentages that should not even warrant a backup position in the NFL are "great quarterbacks."
Along comes Tebow with the same problem. And he's white! Hallelujah!! WE CAN HATE HIM! So they've unleashed two decades worth of pent up criticism.
And the fact the public liked him, because he is a very likable person, made this all the worse for these people because the public didn't go along with their obsession.
Then you add the snarling atheist crowd too and it all creates a very nasty perfect storm of liberal hate.
Ha! Good mashup, Andrew!
ReplyDeletemost "analysts" are addicted to cliches and way to scared to say anything remotely un-pc.
I usually mute the games now, except for Troy Aikman who is not too bad.
But Simms, Theisman, and many others are simply irritating as hell and make me long for a root canal.
And don't get me started with Bob Costas. Blithering idiot.
ReplyDeleteHowie Long would be better if they put him with anyone other thn retards.
Oh, and i don't mind humor, but someone needs to tell these guys that humor is supposed to be funny.
That moron that does "impressions"...not funny. In fact, he's the opposite of funny.
Thanks Ben. This is honestly how it comes across to me these days.
ReplyDeleteWhat really annoys me about this is that these used to be very enjoyable shows. Then they went all ADHD and they decided that they could only employ former players... preferably the most retarded ones. And you're right, there's a total unwillingness to level legitimate criticism. The analysis is all cliches and platitudes.
It's made this a mind numbing experience.
Personally, I liked seeing Rush, but of course he committed the cardinal sin and told the truth without regard to skin color.
ReplyDeleteBen, Exactly! Humor is supposed to be funny. Humor is not watching 4-5 guys pretending to laugh themselves silly at unfunny jokes.
ReplyDeleteThey should get Dennis Miller and Don Rickles to do some games. Now that would be fun! LOL!
ReplyDeleteBen, I think they were just looking to get rid of Rush and that was the first thing they could grasp. But it definitely fit with the era to come where everything involving black coaches or quarterbacks needs to be approved before it is spoken.
ReplyDeleteFrom what I've seen, the best announcers are those who have a career in radio first, then a move to television, and a personal love for the sport. Those guys tend to be top notch.
The worst are former players or "personalities" who never worked in anything else.
If I were in charge, I would pull in the old radio guys who worked these teams games for years to call the games and I would look for "journalists" to run the pregame shows.
I concur, That would work, Andrew. Maybe throw in some real comedians every now and then too. I've heard funnier guys on the old Gong Show than what I have seen lately.
ReplyDeleteThe networks are completely out of touch with most of their audience.
Ben, I don't know if they are out of touch with their audience or not. The shows still draw rating and the games draw major rating. So either that's because of the way they handle things or despite them?
ReplyDeleteWhat I do know is that none of my friends watch the pre-game shows anymore and more of them are complaining all the time about the quality of the announcing.
Maybe we're just a different demographic that they don't care about, but we are hardcore fans... and I would think that losing us would be a bad sign.
Ben,
ReplyDeleteI'm not the biggest football fan* but, damn, Don Rickles and Dennis Miller would be awesome.
*I only sort of care about Alabama sports and only get big about sports when its the Olympics.
"I've been in the league 30 years. I'm an old man. But I've still got one hit left in me. I'm saving it."
ReplyDelete"You play to win the game."
"Playoffs?! Don't talk about playoffs?! Are you kidding me?! Playoffs?!" (okay, that wasn't me)
"They've got to play football. This is a football game!"
"The Bears are what we thought they were. They're what we thought they were." (okay, that wasn't me either)
Word of the day - "dastardly"
ReplyDeleteBev, Excellent word. It has an old-timey villain feel. If I was a villain, I would want to be known as "dastardly."
ReplyDeleteAndrew - I rarely watch the Sunday morning pundit shows mainly because I fear for my sanity, but Chris Wallace was interviewing Denis McDonough, WH Chief of Staff on Syria. He pretty much evaded every question, but used the word "dastardly" repeatedly. Even HuffPo said he didn't answer one question. You know, stuff like,what is the objective of our limited, razor-like strike?
ReplyDeleteBev, The Syria thing is devolving into stupidity.
ReplyDeleteObama is in hiding... more so than Assad. He's apparently showing Congressmen pictures of dead Syrians to get them to vote yes. Give me a break. You go to war for any number of reason, but "don't you feel sad for these people" isn't one of them.
Lindsey Graham is talking about us getting "nuked" for some reason if we don't do this.
Some idiot Congress critter is screaming about "impeachment"... again.
This is like watching an NFL pre-game show.
With Syria I keep thinking back to the line from Webber's Phantom of the Opera when the Phantom is taunting Christine at the climax: "No matter what you choose you cannot win."
ReplyDeleteAndrew, this had me in stitches. Very well done.
ReplyDeleteI despise the lovable lunkheads that they've got doing pregame these days. Too bad Barkley doesn't do football. Although he's got a bit of a mumble mouth, he's an actual thinking human being. Unlike Terry Bradshaw.
Ben, I'm with you on Bob Costas. I can't even watch the Olympics anymore because of his preening, nannyish style.
I remember (I think it was Fox) that they did try Dennis Miller announcing a few games, and he was pretty good. Didn't work out, of course, but there was a fan in the stadium who had a sign that said: "Dennis: Eschew Obfuscation!". Dennis' response: "Eschew you, pal!"
Andrew, I think you've nailed the analysis of the hate for Tebow. There is no reason to express such spite against a mediocre quarterback who has such an unassuming personality. But even the Jets' coach quite literally hated Tebow, expressed open contempt for him, and brazenly declared to the press that he would never play him while he was there.
And it didn't seem to be a personality conflict; he just was angry that the team would hire such a player as a popularity stunt.
Thanks wahsatchmo! That's honestly how these shows come across to me. :(
ReplyDeleteI like Barkley. I like the fact that he's calm and opinionated. He doesn't pretend to be anyone's friend and he doesn't just spout platitudes. He speaks his mind.
Miller was on the Monday Night Football crew. I thought he was good, but they teamed him with Tony Kornheizer who really, really stank. Tony didn't care about football and he made it clear that he was just reading the things his assistants gave him.
On Tebow, that is what I think is really going on. It really does feel and sound like pent-up anger at not being able to criticize so many other QBs and here is their chance, so they unleashed.
Kit, Syria is a no-win. That's why this issue never should have come up, but Obama wasn't bright enough to realize that.
ReplyDeleteIs Tebow mediocre or is he just too nice or both? Is his wholesomeness just to much for the NFL?
ReplyDeleteTebow is a great "athlete." BUT he's a horrible quarterback. He's just not accurate throwing the ball. That's why people say he should be playing another position.
ReplyDeleteBut he refuses. He wants to be a quarterback and that's it... he won't consider any other position. And that's why he's having such an impossible time sticking with a team because he really isn't good enough to be an NFL QB on a consistent basis.
The wholesomeness isn't really the problem either. There are quite a few wholesome NFL players.
I've never seen Tebow play. Is he really mediocre or just not trusted as a leader?
ReplyDeleteOkay, Giant or Cowboys?
Bev, He's a great leader and the other players who have played with him tend to love him as a player and as a person -- most everyone raves about him.
ReplyDeleteBut as a quarterback, he's much worse than mediocre. He's positively awful. To give you a sense, the typical completion percentage for a starting NFL QB is around 65%. For Tebow, it's below 50%. Out of 20 passes, he will throw one brilliant pass, 3 NFL-caliber passes, 5 wobbly completions, and 11 passes that would make the highlight reel for being laughably bad.
And the anger tends to come from the sportswriters, not the NFL itself.
I hope it's Dallas, but I fear it will be the Giants.
My Bucs really made fools of themselves today. :(
Dammit! The Cardinals lost to the Rams in what was overall a pretty fun game. Lead changes, interceptions, sacks, etc. Though at times it felt like I was watching college football.
ReplyDeleteOn Tebow, he did well to get the Broncos pretty close to a Superbowl appearance. The Jets would not play him except for in a token fashion, usually out of position. Although, perhaps being the understudy of Mark Sanchez increased his ability to throw accurately (to the other team).
wahsatchmo, You should see how my Bucs blew it today -- stupid penalty out of bounds which put the Jets into field goal range.
ReplyDeleteOn Tebow, I think what worked with Denver was a combination of (1) a really strong defense -- that's how Tampa made it to the Super Bowl... lots of 6-3 games, (2) he doesn't make a lot of mistakes, so he doesn't put you in a hole, and (3) the one ball he can throw is the deep ball over the middle and the other teams stopped defending that at critical times.
Sanchez... yeah. Wow.
Andrew
ReplyDeleteRegarding Syria it looks like Putin has shown Obama up. He comes out with the plan to have Assad give up chemical weapons just before the speech and not Kerry has to pretend like this was all part of the plan after all. Now we see if this call to war has anything to do with Assad using chemical weapons.
Obama looks like a fool right now, even more so than normal. I am beginning to see that there is a definite personality conflict between Obama and Putin. I wonder if Obama's Syria stance was really a result of the way Putin handled the Snowden affair. If this were not so terrible for the country as a whole I'd have to laugh.
Why is every body so scared of me playing guitar... my rifts are as good as anybody's...
ReplyDeleteDamn that Susskind and his string theorty