Your Guide to Voting

What a complex time to be an "unbiased" journalist. You need to rush out all those last minute articles trying to lionize various Democrats. You need to hit print on those smears on GOP candidates you've been holding. Have to do rush jobs to cover-up and dismiss whatever piles of crap the Democrats have stuck their feet into at the last minute. Sure, you finished all those articles about how racism, rape and sexual harassment, and global changing are killing us all, but did you write enough? How about an article on voter suppression to stir up the peoples of color? Then you need to brace yourself. You've done all you could to be unbiased, but things could still go wrong.

In fact, you know they will. You've seen the internal polls your organization keeps hidden from the public. And you've been writing articles walking a fine line between scaring Democrats into voting without trying to make it seem hopeless, but for some reason they aren't turning out. Must be GOP suppression. What's more, those damn morons don't seem to be getting it. Women voting Republican? That's like roaches voting for raid. Don't they know the Republicans will end democracy, re-institute slavery and force every woman to get pregnant and have children to support their Nazi-like dreams as they happily turn the planet into an unlivable ocean one degree hotter than today? How can they not know that? They should. You've written about that every day for years now! In an unbiased way, of course -- seriously, we all know every white, male Republican wants to be a rapist slave holder. Fact. Why aren't people getting it? Don't they know Republicans are just fearmongers?

And WTF is it with this crime issue? Sure, murder and rape have doubled in every big liberal city while not rising in conservative cities, but that's a coincidence. Our progressive prosecutors letting all those people go has nothing to do with it. Anyone can see that. After all, some leftist friends of mine (but then I repeat myself) did a study and found crime is higher in red states. Red states with big blue cities, but red states. Besides, what's a few deaths and rapes anyways? It keeps the people needing government for their protections. Morons.

Anyways, time to get the game face on. Time to go on TV and write some more "we saw this coming" articles laying this at the feet of Biden and white women. Gotta remember to use the following guide to maintain our unbiased standing:

Terrible night = Democrats losing
A real miracle = Democrats losing by only a little

Bad candidate = Democrat who loses
Public simply doesn't want = Republican who loses
Expected = some Democrat we knew would lose but tried hard to sell
Failure = failure of the moron voters to understand

Republican violence = real or imagined crime against Democrats
Epidemic of violence = includes violence against both sides
Alleged = claims of violence against Republicans
intimidation = anything that might scare some Democrat

Legal challenges have begun = both sides filed suit
Republicans attempting to overturn = only Republicans filed
Democrats defending rights = only Democrats filed

celebrity = famous Republicans
billionaire = rich people who support Republicans
philanthropist = famous or rich people who support Democrats

Hate = always Republicans Fear = always Republicans Genuine = Democrat only

That should do it.

Post your election thoughts here...