Washington, D.C. Trick or Treat Guide

Halloween is upon us, and that means trick or treating. That means it’s time for our annual Washington, D.C. trick or treat guide! Here’s what you need to know to score big!

The Obamas: Avoid. Obama will come dressed in a bathrobe with a presidential seal and holding a golf club. Mrs. O will come dressed like Oprah. They will shower you in candy... but the wrappers are empty.

Joe Biden: WARNING DANGER! Avoid. Joe likes to dress like Hillary Clinton. But for Halloween, he’ll be dressed as the most interesting man in the administration. No one knows what kind of candy Joe hands out because he shoots through the door at trespassers, so don't risk it.

John Boehner: Sure. Boehner will be dressed as a eunuch and he pays out like a drunken cattleman at a hooker convention. If he doesn’t give you enough, just threaten him and he’ll give more. Careful though, he cries and you will get wet.

Ted Cruz: Depends. Ted dresses as an anti-establishment outsider and he’s never seen without his mini-me Mike Lee at his side. If you can pass his purity test, he hands out “authentic” tacos from Taco Bell with little Canadian flags on them. If you want to pass his test, the answer is always “No!”

Kathleen Sebelius: Avoid. She’ll come to the door dressed as a professional, but she won’t be able to figure out how to get the door open, so don’t bother.

Harry Reid: Maybe. You’ll find Harry at the Ritz, dressed like Hitler and surrounded by union thugs and prostitutes. He hands out LOTS of candy, but only to his friends.

The Pentagon: Absolutely. That place is awash in candy and has so many doors that they won’t know if you’ve already come. This place is a bonanza so bring extra sacks! (Important: Muslim costumes are a bad idea.)

John McCain: Avoid. He’ll be dressed in a Republican costume, complete with elephant mask... or as Yosemite Sam. He’ll waste an hour of your time telling you about the big treats he’s going to give you, but he only gives candy to people you don't like. Expect a stick of unflavored gum.

Eric Holder: Depends. Eric doesn’t hand out candy to whites.

Al Gore: Forget it. You’ll never make it past the huge electric fence and the stadium lights will blind you. And if you somehow make it to the door, the heat emanating from that huge, cavernous mansion which is heated by the rendered fat from polar bears, it will melt your costume. Plus, he only hands out indulgences and even then he wants you to pay for them.

The Supreme Court: Avoid. These clowns will be dressed as the Oracle from Ancient Greece and they never give you what you want.

Congress: Avoid. They only give out treats to people with a K-Street or Wall-Street address and most of them are nuts. Expect to see a lot of zombies... some in costume.

NSA: Avoid. They take, they don’t give. They do play a mean game of knock-knock though.

The Fed: Avoid. They only hand out laxatives to help with gastronomic easing.

Clinton, Bill: Depends. Clinton will come dressed as himself or as Carlos Danger. If you are female (or dressed like one) expect to be groped. He hands out cigars, but you might not like where he puts them.

Clinton, Hillary: Avoid. Hillary will come to the door dressed as Marvin the depressed Robot. Uh, yeah, that’s about it.

Freedom Works: Avoid. These Fortune 500 presidents, hedge fund managers and lobbyists will come to the door dressed in tricorn hats. They pass out American Pie (hencho en Mexico) in exchange for favors to be named later.

Glenn Beck: Avoid. Glenn dresses as God in a blue suit. He will give you communion if you kiss his ring. Ask for a tour of his bunker. Oh, and if you want to have some fun, get some friends and come dressed as a gay, Mexican Mariachi band who have come to the US to spread the word about Common Core.

Eric Weiner: Uh... no. He will come to the door dressed as the Mayor of New York and he will touch you... inappropriately... a lot. He hands out copies of Sydney Leathers’ porno tape.

There you have it, a guide on where to go trick or treating in Washington D.C. and how to maximize the take! Good luck and good hunting. Have a happy Halloween.