● Looking for somewhere to put those COEXIST and STOP RACISM and DOWN WITH WHITE PEOPLE bumper stickers? Do you need a rack on which to store your bike? Get a Subaru. Show your environmental credential by belching black smoke as you lecture others on the need to stop Global Warming and saving the snipes. How does it drive? Slow. But who cares, the slower you go, the more people can read your bumper stickers.
● Ladies! Are you confused by the numbers on a dash board? Are you only vaguely aware of other drivers? Did you fail an IQ test? Do you automatically retreat to your cell phone when you drive? Then the minivan is for you. Wrap yourself in oblivious comfort as you ignore all the distractions the road has to offer... other cars, street lights, kids in crosswalks. (NOTE: Car may not be driven by men without first being medically castrated.)
● Gents. Are you a little slow on the uptake? Are your reflexes twice as slow as the other guys? Do you feel the need to be able to carry something at a moments notice even if you never will? Do you want to blot out the sun? Then buy a pickup truck bigger than a school bus! Soon you’ll be blocking the view of other drivers everywhere as you struggle to stay in one lane or park your vehicle in four spots. Heck, your engine will be so loud you need to turn the thing off to place your order at the drive through. Trust us, no one will ever question the size of your d*ck again!
● Ladies. How’s that job at the strip club working for you? Did you know that not all sun blotting pickup trucks are bought by your customers? You can buy one too. Just don’t expect to have any ability to grasp where the thing sits on the road as you have no sense of spatial relationship. Who cares though, right? Curbs were meant to be crushed beneath your giant tires.
● Are you f**cking angry as hell? Would you destroy the world if you could? Does Starbucks not get your goddamn order right? How f**cking stupid are those people!! I said skinny latte! Then a cross-over/mid-size SUV is for you. Drive people off the road. You are the only one that matters! And always remember, it’s not a f***cking minivan!!
● Is your sister hot? Get it jacked up. Any old pick up truck or SUV will do so long as your car’s center of gravity is higher than your head. And if you’re too lazy to jack it up (or too high on ganja), then get yourself an old 1970’s style Econoline Van.
● Does your scrotum hang to your knees? It’s sport scar time Mr. Boomer. Trust us. Buy yourself a sleek speed machine and the chicks will beat a path to your door. You still have it, my friend. Also available in extra posh for men who need people to know they have money.
● Hello, sexy but aging ladies. Do you want to feel young and cute again? How about a mini Cooper or aVW Bug? No one will notice the gray. You go girl!
● Do you live in a cult? Do you operate a day care center? Or are you just on the prowl for a special little “friend” to kidnap and take to Kevin Spacey’s house? Then you are required to own a white van. Sorry, no substitutions.
● Are you better than everyone else? Buy an Audi A8 or A6. Don’t have the money to prove that you’re better? Buy an Audi A4. Don’t have that much money? Get a VW. The new Audi/VW comes with smug sensing crumple zones and a three year scandal guarantee.
● Does Allah speak to you? Does he ask you to touch yourself? Then go rental.
Can you tell what's been on my mind?
Andrew, you need a 1949 Dodge Power Wagon (restored). Am I getting warm?
ReplyDeleteActually, I'd love to have a 1950's Bel Air. But what I really need is the right to shoot these other people. There has been a marked collapse in driving ability in the past 5-10 years, and a culling of the herd is needed.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, if you can't get out of your own way, get off the damn streets. Put the cell phones down. Learn the rules. Stop buying cars that are too big for you to handle.
The cops need to drop the obsession with speeding and start taking licenses from bad drivers.
geez Andrew ... I drove an A6 for years when it still had a 350 hp V8. Great car particularly on those long interstate trips from Tennessee tp Pennsylvania. 12k less than a comparable beemer. comfortable with enough acceleration to steer clear of the dweebs you mention. If you want a Belair either Meachum Auctions or Cuba
ReplyDeleteHi Jed.
ReplyDeleteClearly, I'm not in a good mood regarding my fellow drivers, but it's fricken nuts out there. Then we had out first ice the other day and all these people went double ape-shit crazy.
In terms of Audi, I kind of laugh about it because every lawyer I know now buys the Audi. They used to buy the small Mercedes and then they discovered that was a cliche, so they switched en mass to the Audi. And they all seem to think that shows their individuality. LOL!
I went to a Meachum Auction last year in Denver and had a great time. They had a dozen or so Belairs for around $20,000 for the good ones. I'm seriously considering getting one next time they come to Denver.
Jed, Every lawyer I know drives Audis these days. It used to be the small Mercedes, but they've all switched to the Audi.
(NOTE: Car may not be driven by men without first being medically castrated.)
ReplyDeleteHow do you medically castrate a car?
LOL, good one, Andrew! I think you forgot that turn signals are now optional features, though, especially for people who love to weave between lanes! It's comforting to know that drivers aren't getting worse in my area alone in a way.
ReplyDeleteSee, this is why I take the subway...oh, wait. It might interest you to know that these same kinds of people also reside on subway and buses.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I think I have told you this, but they are going to be testing driverless cars in lower Manhattan...
Oh, and this - Our latest terrorist attack this week, the guy was an Uber driver. When Uber found out, they immediately banned him for life as a driver. He prolly wasn't gonna be drivin' anymore anyway.
tryanmax, They have large scissors. ;)
ReplyDeleteBev, I'm not surprised the same people travel the subways too. Stupidity knows no bounds.
ReplyDeleteSadly, I suspect that the very people who should be taken off the roads will never accept driverless cars.
Daniel, Drivers are getting worse. It's a combination of cell phones, cell phones, cell phones and growing narcissism.
ReplyDeleteIn order to get to our sandbar paradise you have to cross a 3 mile bridge. We joke that the tourists must leave their brains on the other side of the bridge before crossing. Of course, not all tourists are crazy drivers just like not all locals are sane ones.
ReplyDeleteI am sure you have something similar where you all live, but maybe it's just more apparent in an urban setting. People, usually but not always, under 30 waling around with their nose pressed to their cellphones walking veeeeeerrrrrrry sloooooooowly up stairs, down stairs, etc. Getting out of the subway sometimes...well, let's just say they all better be anxiously awaiting a vital organ transplant, 'cause that is the ONLY reason they need their noses in their phones at those moments.
ReplyDeleteAnd I have been having a moral debate with myself whether I am really obligated to save someone glued to their cellphone as they walk right off the sidewalk and into moving traffic. I just see it as a function of Darwinism to let them go...
In the DC area driving on highways while bad hasn't gotten appreciably worse. I credit a mix of speed cameras, cops and most importantly horrendous congestion on the highways.
ReplyDeleteOff highway driving has gotten dicier though.
Doesn't matter what you drive. The 'English' as a second (or third) language big rig drivers will kill you with no regard to your ride,
ReplyDeleteWhat's the difference between an Audi and a porcupine? With a porcupine the pricks are on the outside..
ReplyDelete