“I Can Only Promise You Defeat”

Believe it or not, I’m on Obama’s e-mailing list. Yep. I’m one of the millions of people he’s counting on to save his sorry rear end. Boy are they in trouble. Two days ago, Obama operative David Plouffe (left) sent me some words that were supposed to inspire me to get out there and support Team Donkey in 2010. The Plouffer’s main (read: only) talking point seems to be “expect a disaster but maybe it won’t be as bad as we expect.” Woo hoo! I’m sold!

Now, I must say that I found the Plouffer’s e-mail less than inspiring. Actually, I take that back -- it was inspiring, but then I’m on the other side. Seriously, who goes into the big game telling their team:

“Team, we’re gonna get our butts handed to us. But if we work really, really hard, maybe it won’t hurt so much when they rip those suckers off! Now get out there and make this less than a total debacle!!!”

Let’s look at what the Plouffer says. First, he starts by pointing out that a total debacle is to be expected:

“Historical trends aren’t in our favor -- the president’s party generally loses seats in the first midterm election.”

Translation: We’re fighting the inevitable.

“And even though President Obama has taken bold steps like the Recovery Act to put us back on the path to prosperity, escaping from a financial crisis like this one takes time.”

Translation: What we did. . . um, it didn’t work. Yeah, that’s right: we’ve got nothing to show for our efforts. But at least we avoided that financial crisis. Of course, you’re probably wondering why we handed over the Treasury to Wall Street if we actually “escaped” the melt down, but I’m betting you’re too stupid to put that together so just keep reading. . . nothing to think about here. Of course, I’m also betting you’re too stupid to know that the Recovery Act is “the stimulus,” or I wouldn’t have mentioned it.

“The prognosticators and pundits are predicting steep losses for the Democrats.”

Translation: You know those right wing witches and fortune tellers on Fox, well, they’re all against us. Of course, I’m making the same prediction, but, once again, I thank God you people are too stupid to figure that out.

“The Republicans are already measuring the drapes for their new offices, saying that anything short of an electoral landslide that gives them back control of Congress won’t be a victory.”

Translation: This is key, put down the bong and listen up idiots. Anything short of the Republicans taking back the Congress would be a great victory for our side. Got it?!! A great victory! A Waterloo or Stalingrad class victory. Epic baby!

“But these are the same folks who said Barack Obama could never become president. . .”

Translation: Ok, this sounded much better on paper than it does reading it now. I was trying to point out how wrong and stupid these “doubters” are, but that kind of wipes out the sense of danger I’m trying to project. Crud. Not to mention that I doubt any of you can think of anyone who thought Obama couldn’t become President. . . except for maybe Hillary.

“. . . the same ones who said we were trying to do too much, too fast -- and that we’d never pass historic health reform.”

Translation: Now those people you remember right? The people who made vague comments about us not doing things right. Dirty traitors. By the way, whatever you do, don’t check out our record of abject failure.

Oh, and I "get" that everyone hates ObamaCare now, especially since none of you got your free medical cards, but it’s the only accomplishment we have. So deal with it. Seriously, what else did you want me to mention? Copenhagen went to crap. Crap and Trade went down in carbon flames. The stimulus only stimulated anger. Gays, no they’re pissed. Immigration? Nada. Financial reform? Yeah, we reformed the line so we could all stand in it and beg for cash again, that’s about all we did there. So thank your lucky stars for ObamaCare. Oh, and somebody tell Boxer “ichtsna on the riticismca of bamaCareOa!”

“They were wrong then, and they’re wrong now.”

Translation: Yeah, that must mean we’re right! Go team!

“I believe we can avoid the nightmare electoral scenario that Republicans in Washington have already convinced themselves will happen.”

Translation: I'm trying to be positive, but it's just not coming. We're doomed, and the best we can hope for is that we can ultimately avoid a total disaster.


I don’t know, call me crazy, but this is less than inspiring. And if this is what the Plouffer thinks will excite his base, well. . . let’s just say I like the team Obama has assembled.