я люблю тебя

Love is in the air dear reader, and online. Just this very morning, I was contacted by a lovely young woman, who sounds (if I may say so) quite interested in me. Hubba hubba. Now admittedly, I haven’t had the chance to read the whole e-mail, as it’s been a busy morning. But I have time now, so join me as I learn more about the woman of my dreams!

Her name is Oksana. . . or it could be Svetlana (but I think that’s just a typo), and she lives in Georgia (possibly near Atlanta?). She got my e-mail from someplace called “Soul Mate Service -- Agency of the International Acquaintances.” That sounds pretty impressive, kind of Austin Powersy. I wonder how they got my name?

Anyhoo, she continues:

“At Soul Mate to me has told that you looking for serious women to relationship.” And indeed I am, I’m done with relationshiping clowns. . . and jugglers.

“I hope you still in search of serious relationships with women.” Um. . . I don’t quite know how to take that. Is she hoping that I’m not gay or is she hoping that I’m lonely? Hmmm.

“As I am microbiologist by profession, I am fond of nature.” Makes sense.

“I like travel in nature best of all.” A nudist! I guess that makes her French? As an aside, I’m down with nudism, though I’m not sure where you keep your car keys?

“Im kind, caring, calm, honest, cheerful, understanding, responsive and charming lady. I like dancing, traveling, nature, cooking, sport and people. I can be firm or tender depending on the situation, but I always stay woman.” Now that’s good to know. Although, it is a little troubling that she felt the need to assure me on this point. . . I wonder if there is something I should know?

“I want to make my live bright and saturated, I dont like being boring and doing nothing. So, you can be sure, you will never boring with me.” I don’t know, I’ve bored house plants.

“Im very sociable and cant imagine my life without communication with people.” Yes, that would be difficult, though hermits seem to pull it off.

“I enjoy watching moves with my friends.” Me to, nothing beats watching movers do their thing.

“In winter time I love scatting.” Whoa! Now this bothers me! This could be a deal breaker.

“On the whole, I am very romantic and tender, kind, jolly and well-bread person.” Well-breaded? Tender? I guess that’s better than gamey, but not by much, especially considering the whole scatting thing. And I wonder what “on the whole” means? Is this perhaps code for “experiences brief moments of homicidal rage, followed by intermittent scatting”?

“I am communicable and goal-oriented.” So is a virus.

“I think that all life of a woman is LOVE and at first a man should love a woman and then understand.” *scratches head*

“Now some words about mine search. I looking for serious relationships here.” More than one? Call me a jerk, but I’m starting to doubt this is going to work out.

“I want man to find for making strong and happy family in the future. I know that it is difficult to find future love by so way.” Sure is, but it’s easier than trying to find past love -- which requires a time machine.

“I am looking my second half, man who wants to create his own family.” Half of you is a man? Which half?

“I am looking man who is caring and cheerful.” Sure, whatever.

“He is optimistic.” Good luck finding that.

“He has big heart.” What?! You want someone with an enlarged heart? Well fine, if we’re going to play that game, then I want a woman with a big, floppy liver and a hump.

“He is self sure. He should trust me completely.” Strangely, I’m finding that rather difficult at the moment.

“He must become the most intimate and important man in my life, and respect and understand me. I want him to have his own opinion about everything!” Maybe this e-mail was meant for Lawhawk?

“I wish see your country.” Since when is Georgia in another country? Texas maybe, but not Georgia.

“We should communicate much and long time what to come to it. Not so?” Wait a minute, are we talking haggling or negotiations? This is sounding worse and worse by the minute.

“I hope that you will also be write about yourself and city where you live and sent photos.” You know what, I don’t think so.

Sorry dear reader for wasting your time. Please disregard this entire post.