Freedom of Approved Speech

Liberals are nothing if not strong advocates for free speech. Now, admittedly, sometimes they do accept a few restrictions on speech. . . such as speech codes on college campuses, hate crimes laws based on speech they don’t like, banning groups they don’t like from college campuses, banning people with opinions they don’t like from entering their countries, banning books with words they don’t like, blocking websites with “controversial opinions,” censoring radio broadcasts, outlawing blasphemy against Islam, censoring the internet, demanding that their opinions be given equal time on conservative shows, stopping corporations and people they don’t like from giving to politicians, blacklisting people with views they don’t like from certain professions, shouting down speakers they don’t like, disrupting meetings of people they don’t like, conspiring to keep opposing views out of “scientific” journals, taxing conservative websites to support liberal newspapers, firing people who espouse conservative views, removing religious symbols and words from courthouses, statehouses, and schoolhouses, regulating commercial speech, and a few others. But other than those very few instances, Liberals are staunch defenders of free speech.

That’s why it was so very, very strange to hear about the problem they’re having at various liberal websites like the Democratic Underground. Apparently, a few disloyalists are not enamored with the Democrats and our Kenyan overlord. And these dirty secret-fascists apparently have had the poor taste to actually express their views. Shocking!

Well, that’s not good for free speech or the Democratic cause. So the good people at the Democratic Underground have come up with a solution. From now on, you may continue to post all the free speech your bleeding heart desires, with the following exceptions:

• You may no longer post “over-the-top assertions of bad faith” by Obama or the Democrats

• You may not “advocate voting against Democrats, or in favor of third-party or GOP candidates.”

• You may not make “broad-brush smears against Democrats generally [or] broad expressions of contempt toward Democrats generally.”

Oh, and in case I forgot to mention, there are 59 more rules on what speech will be verboten.

Now I debated whether or not I should even mention this, seeing as how this is obviously tangential to the issue of freedom of speech. Indeed, except for a few fringe Hitler-lovers, I can’t imagine anyone would see this as limiting freedom of speech in any way, right? And I’m sure you feel the same way. . . after all, you don’t like Hitler. . .do you?

In any event, this whole thing has given me some ideas. I think it’s time we too expanded the freedom of speech at our stuffy website. So in the hopes of encouraging true free speech, I announce the new posting rules. From now on:

• You may not criticize Republicans in any way that uses words shorter than seven letters, or longer than six letters.

• You may no longer mention Pelosi’s Botox treatments. Humans need oxygen, vampires need blood, Big Bird needs meth, and Pelosi needs Botox. . . that’s how nature made us, and it’s just not right to turn that into a criticism.

• You may no longer mention Barack’s real middle name -- Trevor. Because that makes his initials BTO, which was not a very good band.

• Speaking of bands, no more threats against Lady Gaga. She is third in line for the British throne after all and we could use the support with a Commentarama Tax Bill we’re trying to get through Parliament.

• And no more poking fun at Joe Biden. I can’t prove it, but I know you’re all making up those quotes you keep attributing to him. . . no one can be that stupid.

If you live by these simple rules, then you won’t be jailed. If you don’t, then I’m going to write to the fishysnitch e-mail address about you and you’ll learn how much liberals love secret police departments.