Wednesday, November 25, 2009

A Thanksgiving Message From Joe Biden

** Editor's Note: Today we have a very special guest, Vice President Joe Biden. Mr. Biden asked if he could give a Thanksgiving Address to our readers. Who are we to refuse.

I’d like to thank the good people of Contentarama for letting me address you good people on this great American holiday.

Thanksgiving day is a day for giving thanks. . .

. . . man, that’s clever speech writing *reads speech to self*

. . . this looks like a good speech. . . but today isn’t a day for reading speeches, we all know there’s been too much of that these days! *laughs* So let’s throw out the teleprompters. I’m going to speak from the heart.

Thanksgiving day is a day to be thankful, unless you're an Indian. *laughs* Not the kind that works in "a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin' Donuts" but the kind that owns a casino. *laughs* I should probably stop that.

Look, I want to talk to you about why I’m thankful.

Being the party in power, we get a lot of criticism. . . a lot of criticism. Let me tell you, it comes in by the truckload! And much of it is deserved. I read so much of it and I just nod my head. I say, 'Joe, yeah, that’s true.' But some of it isn’t fair. We can’t get everything right, and some of the stuff we do will never work. We know that, we’re not stupid. But sometimes in politics you’ve got to do things that just don’t make any sense because somebody who gives you money wants you to do it.

But we don’t do that much. And the reason we don’t is because of this guy we’ve got as President. I thank God every day that we have him. “I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that’s a storybook, man.” We should all be thankful for him.

Let me tell you, he’s something special. He’s not like some of those “turkeys” you have to work with in this job. But you’ve got to work with each of them -- “even if you don’t like the SOB.”

Just this morning he showed real leadership. Leadership like we haven’t seen before in this country’s history. Listen to this. Now, a lot of people say, pardon that turkey. . . pardon that turkey Barack. .. pardon that turkey Joe. (I hope they don’t have to say that when our term is over! *laughs*) But I looked at Barack and I said, you can’t do that. What kind of message does that send? This turkey must have done something or he wouldn’t be in trouble. You can’t just pardon him.

I looked at Barack and I said, ‘Barack, you’ve got to do the right thing. You can’t just pardon that turkey and you can’t do what Bush would have done. You’ve got to give this turkey his civil rights.’ And I told him, ‘you’ve got to try this turkey in Federal District Court, maybe in New York.’ And he looked at me and. . . and this is the leadership part. . . he said, ‘Joe, I agree.’ And now that turkey is going to have his day is court.

I’m thankful for my wife too. “My wife Jill. . . is drop dead gorgeous. She also has her doctorate degree, which is a problem.” My wife. Man. Let me tell you, “I’d rather be at home making love to my wife while my children are asleep” than giving this speech.

I thank God that I get to travel in private planes and cars. That swine flu is really bad. “I wouldn’t go anywhere in confined places now. . . When one person sneezes it goes all the way through the aircraft.” I don’t know how you people are going to do the Thanksgiving travel thing. Of course, my motorcade isn’t much safer. Three accidents in a week. But I’m ok, and for that I’m thankful.

I thank God too that I’m not a Detroit Lions fan. How bad do things get before you need to like that baseball team.

I can't think of anything else. Maybe I should have read the speech? *laughs*

Let me just finish by saying that we all need to think about why this administration makes us thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving. Felice Navidance.


** Everything within full "quotation marks" is an actual Bidenism, spoken in earnest by your Vice President.

19 comments:

Pittsburgh Enigma said...

OMG... this is hilarious! You could actually see Biden giving this speech. I didn't realize he actually said those things about his wife. Wow!

One of my favorite Biden moments is still the "Stand up Chuck Graham..." blunder.

AndrewPrice said...

Thanks Pitts, I does kind of come off the page doesn't it?

You mean most politicians don't talk about their spouses that way in speeches? ;-)

I like the "stand up" one too. What an ass!

CrispyRice said...

Very funny! So sad, but true...

AndrewPrice said...

Come on CrispyRice, show some pride in your VP! He represents us all.

Ok, now I'm sad too.

LawHawkSF said...

Andrew: You will shortly receive a visit from the Thought Police. You have not only obviously read Biden's Thanksgiving Speech, but you have been tapping into his meager brain for Bidenlogic. And you made it all public. How dare you? At long last, sir, have you no decency?

AndrewPrice said...

They'll never take me alive Lawhawk! LOL!

I'm not sure there's enough brain power within Biden to run an ipod.

LawHawkSF said...

Andrew: And we heard it first on CONTENTARAMA. I loved it. Couldn't you at least have corrected him on that? How will we ever become famous?

AndrewPrice said...

Lawhawk, I figured I'd just let him speak. ;-)

Writer X said...

He really said those things about his wife??? What a dope. Biden should be be kept in a strait-jacket at all times. He strikes me as a guy who's a hair away from going postal.

Thanks for the laughs today. Great post. You've got Biden down perfectly.

AndrewPrice said...

You're welcome X. He did in fact say those things about his wife. Even worse, he said the doctorate thing to a group of Hillary supporters that he was trying to sway to Obama.

If I were a Dem, I'd be all in favor of the straight jacket approach. But since I'm not, I say listen to him roar! ;-)

Tennessee Jed said...

Andrw - you seem to have captured the essence of the man, Andrew. A scary, but nonetheless hilarious post. Happy Thanksgiving to Commenterama and all it's works and ways.

AndrewPrice said...

Thanks Jed.

Happy Thanksgiving to you as well and to everyone else!

Suzie1 said...

Happy Thanksgiving, Joe. Don't miss the Turkey Roll on the lawn in the morning.

Happy Thanksgiving, Andrew.

patti said...

funny as hell. nailed him. if biden himself read this, he'd send it out with his chrismas cards, thinking it was complimentary. "they used my name everywhere!"

AndrewPrice said...

Thanks Suzie! Happy Thanksgiving to you too!

AndrewPrice said...

Thanks Patti, You're right about Biden. LOL! Maybe I should send it to him, he might read it! :-)

StanH said...

Very funny Andrew! You’ve got Slow Joe down, did you have to get drunk to get in that spastic BBBB…Biden cadence. It might be interesting to reveal a private conversation between the killer “Bs” Barry and Biden. Um…um Joe, um…ummm…

StanH said...

Oh yeah! Happy Thanksgiving all!

AndrewPrice said...

Stan, No I just had to slam my head into a wall before each sentence! LOL!

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