Tuesday, July 14, 2015

The Rise of Smartphones and the Fall of Good Manners

Say what you want about Victorians, but they had good manners. They knew how to dress for any occasion and the difference between salad fork and dessert fork. [Just watch "Downtown Abbey" if you want a crash course] Of course that was in Great Britain where one's class dictated one's manners in all things. Unfortunately for those Brits, the common person not "to the manner born" had a very hard time rising above their station even with the best of manners.

As the 20th Century progressed, proper etiquette and deportment filtered down to the burgeoning middle class. In the US where one's station in life was not necessarily dictated by birthright, proper etiquette played a very important role in one's social mobility. Books, magazines and other periodicals were common sources to learn how to comport oneself in polite society and one was judged by the same. Starting in the 1920's, Emily Post's books were considered the Bible of Proper Etiquette. Moving up the corporate or social ladder meant knowing how to dress, how to speak and converse, and how to comport oneself in public (and of course which fork to use for which course). Children were drilled all of these good manners and how to say "Yes, ma'am" and "No, sir" when addressing adults. It may have appeared stuffy, but there was comfort in knowing how you were expected to act in public so as not to draw undo attention or to guarantee another invitation.

You may remember these days when one dressed for events like church (putting on your Sunday best), parties, or the theatre. These were event that required respect. And though you may not connect this, dressing properly for events was how one showed respect to your host or hostess.

Then came the '60's when things like manners and dress began to slowly fall out of favor for a more relaxed atmosphere and the slow, steady decline of manners began. Denim became appropriate for all occasions with shoes optional. Dressing for dinner out to restaurants with dress codes gave way to the fast growing casual dining establishments that began to spring up all over the country where it was "come as you are". Quaint things like knowing the difference between "Afternoon tea" attire, "After-5" clothing for friendly dinner parties (think Rob and Laura Petrie's "at homes") and "Black-tie" events became muddled and have all but fallen by the wayside. Believe it or not, putting "Black-tie Only" on invitations is a late 20th Century addition.

Oh, but let's skip the end of the 20th Century and fast-forward to the 21st and the Age of Electronics!! Woo-hoo! Now, not only does one not dress for a nice dinner out, but with that handy smartphone permanently in hand, conversing with your dinner companions who are sitting right next to you has become quaint and old-fashioned. I walk the streets of Manhattan every day and am just amazed at how people can't even look up from their phones to order coffee from the nice polite purple-haired Barista at Starbucks. People today can't even put their phones down to enjoy a very expensive Broadway play. And if that phone needs to be charged up, any old electrical outlet will do even if it is a dummy outlet on stage.

Yeah, three such incidences happened in the last few weeks at Broadway theatres. First there was the guy at a recent production of "Hand of God" who jumped on stage before the performance to plug his phone in not knowing that the plug was dummy. Then there was Madonna, that icon of rule-breaking, at a recent production of "Hamilton" (that guy that is being removed from the $10 bill soon...). Much to the annoyance of the actors on stage, she just couldn't stop texting throughout the entire show. [Apparently, Madonna has been banned from a movie theater chain for doing the same thing] And the last was at a Lincoln Center production of "Show of Day" starring Patty Lapone, never known for her patience with audiences who don't pay attention, who walked out into the audience and grabbed some audience member's phone when this stellar patron of the arts just couldn't stop texting. Just for the record, Ms LaPone has made a habit of stopping shows to berate audience members.

I think that it is sad that people do not know how to comport themselves in public. But I also think that it is kind of ironic that the liberal-ati of the art world are whining about all of these ill-mannered patrons. After all, artists have always been the champions of the counter-culture that created our more relaxed, manner-free society and only have themselves to blame. Don't get me wrong, these examples of smartphone abuse are just a symptom of a much bigger problem. The real problem is the over-all decline in basic respect and good, old-fashioned manners.

And then there's Facebook...

34 comments:

ScottDS said...

I wonder about the phones... have they simply enabled people who are already ill-mannered? Or have they caused good-mannered people not to care anymore? I try my best to put the phone away at dinner but sometimes I just want to read something! :-) (I always turn it off at the movies and similar events.)

My issue with Facebook is simply all the news in my feed that I don't care about or wish to avoid (where's the 2016 election filter?!). That and the nagging feeling Facebook users often have that all their friends are happier. I didn't make that up - there have been studies about it. Look at Facebook too often and you get the suspicious feeling that all your friends are happier, busier, and living more fulfilling lives. But it's really just an illusion. And I find the site more useful than not.

BevfromNYC said...

Scott - I agree about the feeling of inadequacy that sites like Facebook have created. However there is something more insidious afoot. Facebook and other social media sites like them (Instagram, Linkin, MySpace, Tumblr, Twitter...the list is endless) have created a world of total self-interested narcissists. If you happen to have one of these "friends", it's really sad that they insist on posting everything that happens to them on a daily basis just short of their daily toilet habits. But what is worse, are the people who "Like" all the posts. And I can't tell you how many times I have been questioned as to why I never "Like" their posts... It gets boring having to explain that I am just not that into their lives. And, if they want me to be that involved in their daily life, they are going to have to pay me or at least marry me. Or just give me a call...

We have become a society of "over-sharers".

AndrewPrice said...

Bev, I wish more businesses, especially things like nicer restaurants and theaters would enforce dress codes and ban things like phones. There is a direct connection between all of that. Either people are self-centered or they aren't, and those that are display it in spades through behavior that annoys those around them.

AndrewPrice said...

BTW, Facebook really is for idiots. It's a world of mouthbreathers who think that the world cares about the picture they took of their latest crap. Oh look, uncle Jimmy just bought ice cream.

Whoopty-f*ing-do.

AndrewPrice said...

As an OT aside, I'd like to congratulate Obama on his latest pretend victory. I'm sure this one will solve the Iranian problem just like Obamacare gave everyone insurance and Financial Reform ended too-big-to-fail.

BevfromNYC said...

Andrew - I am certain that this new pretend victory will have a really long lasting pretend outcome and pretend peace will break out all over the Middle East. We must thank Obama and Sec't Kerry for the fine work they did in making sure that Iran does not get to make any more nuclear bombs for 10 years.

But meanwhile, in the real world - Israel will be sanctions by the UN.

tryanmax said...

First of all, as a life-long resident of the Midwest, I must say there is nothing wrong with denim for all occasions. (So long as it's not denim head-to-toe. Yikes!) "Dress jeans" are a thing, although maybe you have to be from here to understand. I don't know. Besides, nothing matches the versatility of jeans when it comes to being dressed for the weather when you have no idea what the weather is going to be. /rant

On phones: Culturally, we're still developing the etiquette surrounding mobile technology. Those obviously egregious breaches are newsworthy because they help to enforce the emerging standard. "Don't be that guy...or Madonna." I have yet to hear anyone speak approvingly of not looking at the barista when ordering.

Rude cannot exist without a corresponding conception of polite. Examples of rudeness that can be shared are evidence of a commonly observed framework of etiquette. The more rudeness that can be identified, the more sophisticated the social structure. The Victorians were so rigid, no wonder they had fainting couches. The rudeness must have been all-consuming!

The heart of etiquette is simply thinking of others. It is a formal politeness that may serve as evidence of one's outward-thinking. (Although, of course, it may also become rote.) I do agree that we as a society could use more shared etiquette. Identity politics thrives on a breakdown of shared norms because it can claim any difference in perception as a micro-aggression against the victim class--which in turn gives the aggressor class reason to double-down. Shared etiquette may conceal some unsavory individuals, but a lack thereof actually empowers those same characters.

AndrewPrice said...

tryanmax, Two replies...

First, the reason for the dress code (and no jeans) is simple. If I go to Denny's then I know that I am risking sitting next to a guy in stained jeans and a t-shirt that says "F*ck you" (saw one this weekend in the casino) who reeks like a cigarette truck hit the outhouse at a brewery, who harasses the waitresses and whose very loud "conversation" repeatedly consists of "I tole that mutherf*cker to stick it up his *&^^ ass cuz I ain't takin' no more sh*t frum him."

But when I go somewhere that requires a higher dress code, I know that the odds of sitting next to a turd like that fall dramatically. The obnoxious people there tend to just be self-obsessed. That's fine though because I don't have to worry about what my daughters hear, what I have to smell along with dinner, or that I will be digging a shallow grave at the end of the night.

Second, my biggest concern with all of this is that it leads to further breakdowns in society. The more we let people ignore things like courtesy, the greater the number of people will be who will ignore them. Soon you reach critical mass and whatever rule people have started to ignore collapses entirely. What's worse though is that people get a taste for this and they move on to the next rule they don't like and break that one too. Soon, rule after rule is breaking down. As that happens, people get more and more self-centered and the pace picks up. Soon, you have a chaotic society where people do whatever they want -- traffic laws become meaningless, people talk or use phones in theaters, they don't bathe and then go to restaurants, they swear in public, and then it gets even worse.

But at the same time, I've seen a very close correlation between self-centered behavior and treating the government as a benefit provider. In effect, as society collapses into chaos on the ground level, those same people turn toward socialism at the macro level to get more stuff by government force.

ScottDS said...

I, too, am a denim fan. :-)

Andrew, I think you're selling Facebook a little short. Sure, there are a lot of egomaniacal assholes on it but they existed before Facebook did. ("We set up the slide projector to show you our vacation photos!")

I do find it a convenient way to keep up on current events (it's a primary news source, along with you guys of course!) and it's nice to check in on relatives and old friends. Do I take pictures of my food? No. But I like sharing interesting articles I read along with the occasional three-line movie review.

Now here's the thing: I'm a millennial, but I'm one of the first millennials. I recently read an article about the differences between early millennials and later ones... and the differences are many! Coming from the last generation to know life before the Internet, I like to think I still have one foot in that world. :-)

tryanmax said...

Andrew, I think the basic problem there is that you are going to Denny's. ;-)

BevfromNYC said...

Well, excuuuuuuse me for being a former Costume designer and student of the history of dress. I didn't mean to disparage denim....I LOVE DENIM. I could also write a scholarly paper on the history of denim (aka serge de Nimes) so get off my case! ;-P (btw, sticking one's tongue out is not good manners)

But to Andrew's point. The problem is boundaries. We no longer have a proper time and place where we can count on people being dignified and respectful. How do parents raise children when they can't censor what they see?

In the not too distant past, children were protected from situations like Andrew describes. No matter where you went in public, people generally were expected act with some kind of dignity and respect. And they certainly did not not swear like sailors. Even sailors only swore like sailors when around other sailors. But now we have no boundaries. I wouldn't go so far as to say it is the downfall of society, but why do we expect children to know how to act with dignity if they do not see adults doing it?

BevfromNYC said...

ScottDS...I blame you...;-) You Early Millenial, you! Just like a blame the Early Boomers (my cousins) who were mostly '60's Hippies. I blame everyone but , of course, myself...I am perfect. And I know the difference between a butter knife and a fish knife, so there!

BevfromNYC said...

Hey, Tryanmax, don't diss Denny's! Where else can you get a Rooty-Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity breakfast??

AndrewPrice said...

tryanmax, I am a great fan of Denny's! LOL!

AndrewPrice said...

Bev, That is the problem. I am serious about the t-shirt. We were at a restaurant at a casino up in the mountains this weekend and this guy walked in wearing a shirt that had Mickey Mouse flipping the bird on the front and "F*CK YOU!" written uncensored on the back six times. This guy either didn't know or didn't care that this wasn't appropriate.

AndrewPrice said...

Scott, Most of the people I know who use Facebook aren't people whose opinions anyone wants to hear and they mainly use it to post pictures of Uncle Jim opening bottles with his teeth.

tryanmax said...

Bev, I refuse to order "cutesy" menu items. If I can't simply order pancakes topped with fruit, I would rather go hungry. The same goes for anything with "Cowboy" in the name. I will have a side of BBQ sauce, thank you.

BevfromNYC said...

Andrew - Believe it or not, I just saw a similar shirt when I was walking home yesterday on a teenager..nice. My issue goes way back probably to the mid-90's when a friend and I went to DC for the weekend. We were in the gift shop at the Lincoln Memorial when the two teenage girls sales clerks started speaking very graphically (and loudly) about their night with their boyfriends. I was shocked, but I didn't say anything until I saw this shocked and horrified mother literally put her hands over her young son's ears and usher him out as fast as she could. I went to find an actually adult to lodge a complaint...as this was THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL!!!!. but there was no adult supervisor to be found.

So, for the first time in my life, I wrote a complaint letter to the National Parks Department. I related the story of the horrified mother and trying to find an adult I charge of the gift shop, but found none. I admonished that there are families bringing their children to our nation's capital and they deserve much better.

Anyway, that's when I started to notice stuff like this all around me.

BevfromNYC said...

Tryanmax - I get it with the cutesy names. When I open a restaurant, I promise to never put anything on the menu with "Cowboy", "Rooty", "Tooty", or "foam"....

ScottDS said...

Andrew -

I understand. Thankfully, nothing in my news feed is too stupid and the couple of people who annoyed me, I simply unfriended.

I wish you were on there - think of all the stupid shit I could be sending you! (Not an incentive, I know.) :-)

P.S. I prefer IHOP to Denny's.

tryanmax said...

Andrew, denim aside, I get the need for boundaries. I don't live in a particularly crowded and/or touristy part of the country, so maybe I don't see as much of it. I generally know what areas to avoid if I don't want to see "FU" t-shirts. And all the casinos around here are trashy, so...

More than a breakdown of boundaries, however, what I see is a confusion over boundaries. As social creatures, it is in our nature to desire customs and norms. Despite the left devoting the late 20th c. to the proposition that norms are just oppression in disguise, all they have to offer in the way of alternatives are different--oftentimes contrary--sets of norms. I feel as though we are living in the throes of an era which is trying to reestablish a common cultural currency.

tryanmax said...

Bev, thanks for leaving "foam" of the menu. Foam is something that sits on top of certain beverages. Many foods are already foam: mousse, meringue, anything leavened. If you can only identify something as foam, then it is not food.

BevfromNYC said...

Tryanmax - Absolutely, it is the confusion over boundaries. People especially children crave boundaries..that is why they are always testing the limits. But I do see subtle hints of the pendulum swinging back in the "normal is okay" side. I see it in more conservative clothing in fashion magazines and in articles like I read today about the growing popularity of "celibacy" in young adults. I think those raised on a steady diet of no limits are beginning to get bored with the restrictions of always saying "Yes" to everything and are beginning to see the empowerment and autonomy of saying "No".

BevfromNYC said...

Also Tryanmax - Yes, "foam" is not "food", it's very expensive air bubbles. Something most kids can do with a milk carton and a straw. Do the people who pay extravagant prices for "foam" realize that they are actually just paying for air?

Critch said...

I'm a survivor of the "Big Spoon", it seemed like every adult at our table had a spoon and pop you with it if your manners were bad etc....my kids and even some of their friends were introduced to the big spoon theory of installing manners in a child...

BevfromNYC said...

Critch - I am a survivor of the "Stare". Of course, threat of the "Shoe" came long before we left the house to go out into public. But the "Stare" was very effective.

Kit said...

I want to say I am on Facebook and I never take pictures of my food. I'm too busy eating.

EPorvaznik said...

Bev, as our NYC rep, I hope you appreciate the source of this genius invention:

https://youtu.be/2SZiEFpC9Wg

P.S. Sadly, Friendly's is only regional (and not on the Left Coast), so Denny's = the greatest coast-to-coast option.

Critch said...

My mom would sometimes do the "Irish Catholic Guilt Thing", it was devastating...

BevfromNYC said...

EP - that is hysterical! There should be some non-lethal, legalversion ,like a Nerf-phone swatter that gets the point across without actually doing physical harm.

EPorvaznik said...

>>without actually doing physical harm. >>

C'mon, don't be so millennial, Bev. How's that going to get any point across? For the record, though, I don't advocate the knifing portion of the video. ;-)

BevfromNYC said...

EP - I have always been a vocal advocate of legalizing cream pies in the face...

Critch said...

When I drive I love to listen to Sirius Radio, I'll put on The Dead, or the Punk channel, or 70s etc...and just drive and rock...but,,,someone's phone will ring and all of sudden my music is too loud,,blah, blah, blah,,what the Hell did we do before cel phones? Oh I know, talked, read, listened to Dad's rock music...sometimes I think I raised Philistines.

Critch said...

Speaking of manners, I'm going to be unmannerly here when I say that the fiction the Mexican.gov is giving us about El Chapo is horse-hockey. He probably walked out the front gate to a limousine with a mariachi band serenading him..

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