Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Bend Over America: The Candidate Edition

I think one of the problems with debates is that moderators always assume the politicians want to do things to help us. I think a different approach would be more enlightening. I think we should cut to the chase and ask them how they plan to f*** us? Let’s put our candidates on the truth-o-teller and see what happens, shall we?

Moderator Price: Tell us the nastiest things you plan to do to the American people. //flips on truth-o-teller

Hillary: I don’t really have any big ideas except self-preservation, so mainly I plan to throw away the lives of US servicemen whenever my poll numbers are low. I plan to look the other way as enemies of our state, other than Republicans (//painfully fake smirk), kill and destroy civilian populations everywhere. I’m planning to shift large amounts of money from the Treasury to my friends and my secret accounts, but that’s not wrong... everybody does it. Oh, and I may have my husband ‘accidentally shot’ by the Secret Service. Yeah, a couple other people too I guess. I have a list but you’ll have to elect me to see who’s on it! (painfully fake laugh)

//pauses
//taps foot against ground nervously

I guess the biggest thing is that as my poll numbers keep falling and it becomes clear that the public really doesn’t like me because they’ve been poisoned against me, I’m going to get really Godd*mn f*cking p*ssed. Why won’t you people like me? I’m lovable! I really am! I baked cookies once. How many cookies do I need to bake? Seriously, why won’t you besotted f*cking peasants like me?! //starts crying You know what?! Damn you! Damn you all! I don’t need your love!! I’ll show you f*cking peasants! I’ll grind you under my heel. I’ll take away everything you love. I’ll ban television and email and tax sweets. I’ll make you all drive Priuses. I’ll urinate on everything in your precious White House and smash the f*cking china. You don’t want to love me? Fine! I’m going to break your spirits until you realize that you need to love me! You WILL love me and despair!

Trump: That b*tch is crazy! Look, I don’t really understand right from wrong, so this one is hard for me. Does doing blow off the belly of a dead hooker in the oval office count? If so, sign me up for that one. What else? Well, let’s just say the White House is about to get a Big Pimpin’-style makeover. Oh, and I’m planning to shift large amounts of money from the Treasury to my friends, but that’s not wrong... everybody does that. That’s about it, I guess. I don’t know, I don’t think more than a few hours ahead. There could be more.

Sanders: I like to think of myself as most likely to randomly start a war with some country that disagrees with my policies. I mean, I love to talk about pacifism, but butchery is just part of the socialist ideology. I can see me lighting up Tehran or Tel Aviv. No promises though.

Other than that, there are only a couple more things I can think of that might be considered bad by some. I want to make thoughtcrimes punishable by life in prison. I want to end free speech in favor of goodspeak. I’m planning to tax the rich until they are poor, then I’ll give them welfare. I’ll bankrupt the nation, seeing as how I’ve proposed several times our current budget in new spending. I plan to ban several key forms of economic activity which might wipe out coal producing states, car producing states, and states with power plants. I plan to ban coal and nuclear energy and tax gas until it’s unaffordable. I’ll raise the minimum wage to $50 an hour to fix poverty and lower white collar salaries in the name of fairness. I’m going to ban profit. One word: famine. Then I’ll probably legalize marijuana because you’re going to need it. I plan to unionize every job in America. I’m going to demobilize the Air Force and our nuclear weapons. I will require every home builder to build one unit of public housing for each sellable house they make. I plan to triple social security payments, and then take it all back in the form of taxes. I’m going to give free college to anyone who wants it, except whites to eliminate white privilege. I’m going to nationalize the insurance carriers to turn Obamacare into a single payer system. That will require rationing, so we’ll need to let the feeble die. But don’t worry, I’ll make sure transgenders can get any surgeries they want. I’m going to force hairdressers to charge the same for men and women. I’m going to let all black people out of prison because they’re all innocent. I’m going to make allegations of rape enough to require life in prison without trial. I’m going to start a new government agency to hand out basics to people like milk, cell phones and small-ish cars. I’m going to ban cars. I’m going to build windmills all across the country and then jail the operators of those for killing birds. I’m going to ban airplanes because of contrails. I’m going to ban drones; if we’re going to kill someone, they have the right to a fair chance to kill our pilot! I’m going to open the borders, but only for poor brown people who want welfare and won’t take American jobs. I’m going to impose a tax on Atlanta to pay the budget deficit in Detroit. Is that enough? I’ve got like ten thousand more things if you want to hear them.

Cruz: The American people? I don’t care about them. I just want to be President. Whatever happens after that happens. Most likely, I’ll just shift large amounts of money from the Treasury to my secret accounts, but everybody does that. I’m mainly going to try to destroy the Republicans because they p*ssed me off. After that, I don’t really have any views that interest me.

Rubio: I’m feeling kind of left out here, but there’s really only one thing I can think of. I’m planning to shift large amounts of money from the Treasury to my friends. I know that’s wrong, but everybody does it. Can I have some candy now?

Bloomberg: I have no plans to do anything evil or nasty. I really don’t. I just want to help everyone become a better person, so I will ban anything the media says is unhealthy, like seven ounce or greater portions of meat and anything with transfat or other fat. I’m going to require everyone to wear a fitbit and do two hours of exercise each day. I’m going to ban wrong habits, like sitting, sleeping in late, television watching, NASCAR, masturbation, any sport that can lead to injury or concussion, and reading books with the wrong ideas. To give people an incentive to stay healthy, I’m going to criminalize the getting of cancer or having a body mass index above my own. I’m going to ban guns too and eventually cars; Americans from coast to coast should learn to use the subways. Seriously though, who could object to any of that?

Christie: Honestly, I’m too useless to be evil. I’m just going to go to ballgames, bask in the glow of privilege, occasionally say something nasty to excite the rubes, and let my assistants handle the job. I’m like Michelle Obama, I guess.

Bush: Beats me. I don’t even know why I’m running.

Enlightening, isn’t it?

Thoughts?

35 comments:

LL said...

You left out Martin O'Malley...

Rustbelt said...

"You left out Martin O'Malley..."

Hm...if a candidate falls down, pounds his fists, and whines for attention, but has already spent his campaign being too boring for any voters to notice or care, does he still make a sound?

Kit said...

You let the part out where #DonaldDuck leaves the debate because a meanie girl with cooties asked him a few tough and uncomfortable questions.

Russ B. said...

To paraphrase Norm MacDonald, These guys are real jerks!! lol

Anthony said...

Brilliant. Forgetting O'Malley is completely understandable. He is the type of guy that fades into the wallpaper if there is one other person in the room.

AndrewPrice said...

LL, So do the Democrats! LOL! ;)

AndrewPrice said...

Rustbelt, I would say no. Notice all the people who come and go and no one seems to notice... Lindsey Graham, John Kasick, Rand Paul, O'Malley, that other guy. Some of them may eventually show up on the side of milk cartons, but I doubt it.

AndrewPrice said...

Kit, LOL! You really don't like the Donald do you?

AndrewPrice said...

Russ, Aren't they? Seriously! And I think I captured the spirit of each one too. What a bunch of nutjobs and bastards!

AndrewPrice said...

Thanks Anthony! I enjoyed it. I think it fits them really well too.

On O'Malley, I really am surprised that momentum didn't take over. With Hillary hated on the left and always on the verge of imploding, and Sanders obviously unelectable, I figured their voters would jump on any acceptable leftist alternative who jumped into the race. So a sitting governor, former mayor who looks the part of a middle-American moderate but speaks like Sanders, should have been the easy choice. But he wasn't. Apparently, O'Malley is so unlikable that they would rather choose between two disasters than run with him. Weird. He must pick his nose at rallies or something.

BevfromNYC said...

I think O'Malley may be perceived as the Mitt Romney of the Dems. No offense to Romney, but he was a bit to squeaky clean cut boring.

tryanmax said...

Pretty bleak, Andrew. Someone needs a hug.

AndrewPrice said...

tryanmax, A hug would indeed be nice! LOL!

But sadly, while this is indeed bleak, I kind of think it's accurate. Or am I wrong?

AndrewPrice said...

Bev, O'Malley must be super boring. If he was a superhero, he would be Boredom Man! If he were a transformer, he would be Mega Boredicon. If he were a dinosaur, he would be Boredosaurus Rex. If he were a flavor, he would be concentrated bland.

Apparently. ;)

EPorvaznik said...

Equal opportunity offensiveness -- dig!

I'd be more excited about Bernie's equalizing men's and women's haircuts, but I somehow envision mine going up. Then again, can just give everyone "The Pete Rose" like they do in China to really make everything equal. (H/T Bobby Slayton)

AndrewPrice said...

Eric, I'm glad you dig it! :)

LOL! I never thought of China as Peter Rose country, but it does seem to be!

AndrewPrice said...

Bev, I find it funny that Megyn Kelly was the pinup girl for angry conservatism for years and suddenly they hate her because she wasn't nice to Donald. Oh well. They are fickle.

LL said...

I would 'date' Megyn Kelly even though she's been tough on The Donald. That's the kind of open minded, blatantly heterosexual man that I am.

BevfromNYC said...

Sorry all. I have a work related project that came up suddenly, so I won't be able to prepare a post for tomorrow. Keep it going here and maybe we can start a wager as to will #donaldduck or #wontdonaldduck!!!

I like Megyn Kelly. She is smart, tough and beautiful. Maybe it's the "smart" & "tough" part it that scares The Donald so much.

Kit said...

I could write something about Donald + Debate. Assuming he doesn't change his mind.

Kit said...

Also, Andrew, you failed to capture Marco Rubio. You should've done some kind of bland, over-the-top Kennedy-esque speech. About our dreams a American with, of course, a reference to his Cuban parents.

Kit said...

B/c that is literally EVERY SINGLE SPEECH

BevfromNYC said...

Kit- go for it. I want to know more about Rubio.

Kit said...

Rubio:
—State Speaker of the House 2005-2010. Began with an agenda of 100 bills to pass, go 57 passed despite opposition in Senate and Governor Crist's veto pen.
—Blocked Cap-and-Trade (or at least moderated it from Crist's plan)
—Passed a law rolling back eminent domain abuse in Florida, rolling back the impact of Kelo in his state.

Just 3 things he did.

I like him, but I admit he does harp on the same theme a lot. But at least it's not the odious "Make America Great Again."

We don't need to be "Made" great, we need to be freed to be great. That's America, "Make Great Again" is Russia.

Kit said...

I should point out those three things were each while Speaker of the House.

Critch said...

My wife would be proud for me to be seen with megyn Kelly...OK, I'm exaggerating...a bunch..she'd kill me...anyway...Andrew if you keep dissing Mrs. Clinton you'll probably find yourself standing on plastic in her office..

AndrewPrice said...

Critch, There is always the danger of getting the Vince Foster treatment... or the Paula Jones treatment, which could be worse.

//shudders

AndrewPrice said...

LL, Very noble! :)

AndrewPrice said...

Kit, Rubio is definitely big on the starry-eyed speeches. That said, he's too much of a boy scout to do anything truly evil. Oddly, it seems like that should disqualify him from office.

EPorvaznik said...

As long as my wife was granted the option of taking one for the team with Mike Baker, Megyn Kelly might be an option for me. Might.

Kit said...

It will be coming up by noon.

Rustbelt said...

OT: Today marks the darkest day in the history of spaceflight. 30 years ago this morning- January 28, 1986- Space Shuttle Challenger broke up over Cape Cavaveral 67 seconds after takeoff. A faulty O-ring allowed the plume to burn through an SRB and smash into the fuel tank. Knocked out of precise flight, the tank and orbiter were torn to shreds by the G-forces. (Some fuel did burn in the breakup. However, the 'explosion,' contrary to appearances, was mostly the liquid hydrogen and oxygen returning to a natural, gaseous state.) All crew members were killed.
The shuttle program was suspended, pending the Rogers Commission investigation, until September, 1986.

Rustbelt said...

Correction at the end: September 1988. Shuttle Discovery.

Rustbelt said...

Lest we forget:

Francis Scobee, Commander
Michael Smith, Pilot
Ronald McNair, Mission Specialist
Ellison Onizuka, Mission Specialist
Judith Reznik, Mission Specialist
Gregory Jarvis, Payload Specialist
Christa McAuliffe, Payload Specialist/Teacher-in-Space

Space Shuttle Challenger, OV-099

Mission STS-51L

R.I.P.

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