Bend Over America: The Candidate Edition

I think one of the problems with debates is that moderators always assume the politicians want to do things to help us. I think a different approach would be more enlightening. I think we should cut to the chase and ask them how they plan to f*** us? Let’s put our candidates on the truth-o-teller and see what happens, shall we?

Moderator Price: Tell us the nastiest things you plan to do to the American people. //flips on truth-o-teller

Hillary: I don’t really have any big ideas except self-preservation, so mainly I plan to throw away the lives of US servicemen whenever my poll numbers are low. I plan to look the other way as enemies of our state, other than Republicans (//painfully fake smirk), kill and destroy civilian populations everywhere. I’m planning to shift large amounts of money from the Treasury to my friends and my secret accounts, but that’s not wrong... everybody does it. Oh, and I may have my husband ‘accidentally shot’ by the Secret Service. Yeah, a couple other people too I guess. I have a list but you’ll have to elect me to see who’s on it! (painfully fake laugh)

//pauses
//taps foot against ground nervously

I guess the biggest thing is that as my poll numbers keep falling and it becomes clear that the public really doesn’t like me because they’ve been poisoned against me, I’m going to get really Godd*mn f*cking p*ssed. Why won’t you people like me? I’m lovable! I really am! I baked cookies once. How many cookies do I need to bake? Seriously, why won’t you besotted f*cking peasants like me?! //starts crying You know what?! Damn you! Damn you all! I don’t need your love!! I’ll show you f*cking peasants! I’ll grind you under my heel. I’ll take away everything you love. I’ll ban television and email and tax sweets. I’ll make you all drive Priuses. I’ll urinate on everything in your precious White House and smash the f*cking china. You don’t want to love me? Fine! I’m going to break your spirits until you realize that you need to love me! You WILL love me and despair!

Trump: That b*tch is crazy! Look, I don’t really understand right from wrong, so this one is hard for me. Does doing blow off the belly of a dead hooker in the oval office count? If so, sign me up for that one. What else? Well, let’s just say the White House is about to get a Big Pimpin’-style makeover. Oh, and I’m planning to shift large amounts of money from the Treasury to my friends, but that’s not wrong... everybody does that. That’s about it, I guess. I don’t know, I don’t think more than a few hours ahead. There could be more.

Sanders: I like to think of myself as most likely to randomly start a war with some country that disagrees with my policies. I mean, I love to talk about pacifism, but butchery is just part of the socialist ideology. I can see me lighting up Tehran or Tel Aviv. No promises though.

Other than that, there are only a couple more things I can think of that might be considered bad by some. I want to make thoughtcrimes punishable by life in prison. I want to end free speech in favor of goodspeak. I’m planning to tax the rich until they are poor, then I’ll give them welfare. I’ll bankrupt the nation, seeing as how I’ve proposed several times our current budget in new spending. I plan to ban several key forms of economic activity which might wipe out coal producing states, car producing states, and states with power plants. I plan to ban coal and nuclear energy and tax gas until it’s unaffordable. I’ll raise the minimum wage to $50 an hour to fix poverty and lower white collar salaries in the name of fairness. I’m going to ban profit. One word: famine. Then I’ll probably legalize marijuana because you’re going to need it. I plan to unionize every job in America. I’m going to demobilize the Air Force and our nuclear weapons. I will require every home builder to build one unit of public housing for each sellable house they make. I plan to triple social security payments, and then take it all back in the form of taxes. I’m going to give free college to anyone who wants it, except whites to eliminate white privilege. I’m going to nationalize the insurance carriers to turn Obamacare into a single payer system. That will require rationing, so we’ll need to let the feeble die. But don’t worry, I’ll make sure transgenders can get any surgeries they want. I’m going to force hairdressers to charge the same for men and women. I’m going to let all black people out of prison because they’re all innocent. I’m going to make allegations of rape enough to require life in prison without trial. I’m going to start a new government agency to hand out basics to people like milk, cell phones and small-ish cars. I’m going to ban cars. I’m going to build windmills all across the country and then jail the operators of those for killing birds. I’m going to ban airplanes because of contrails. I’m going to ban drones; if we’re going to kill someone, they have the right to a fair chance to kill our pilot! I’m going to open the borders, but only for poor brown people who want welfare and won’t take American jobs. I’m going to impose a tax on Atlanta to pay the budget deficit in Detroit. Is that enough? I’ve got like ten thousand more things if you want to hear them.

Cruz: The American people? I don’t care about them. I just want to be President. Whatever happens after that happens. Most likely, I’ll just shift large amounts of money from the Treasury to my secret accounts, but everybody does that. I’m mainly going to try to destroy the Republicans because they p*ssed me off. After that, I don’t really have any views that interest me.

Rubio: I’m feeling kind of left out here, but there’s really only one thing I can think of. I’m planning to shift large amounts of money from the Treasury to my friends. I know that’s wrong, but everybody does it. Can I have some candy now?

Bloomberg: I have no plans to do anything evil or nasty. I really don’t. I just want to help everyone become a better person, so I will ban anything the media says is unhealthy, like seven ounce or greater portions of meat and anything with transfat or other fat. I’m going to require everyone to wear a fitbit and do two hours of exercise each day. I’m going to ban wrong habits, like sitting, sleeping in late, television watching, NASCAR, masturbation, any sport that can lead to injury or concussion, and reading books with the wrong ideas. To give people an incentive to stay healthy, I’m going to criminalize the getting of cancer or having a body mass index above my own. I’m going to ban guns too and eventually cars; Americans from coast to coast should learn to use the subways. Seriously though, who could object to any of that?

Christie: Honestly, I’m too useless to be evil. I’m just going to go to ballgames, bask in the glow of privilege, occasionally say something nasty to excite the rubes, and let my assistants handle the job. I’m like Michelle Obama, I guess.

Bush: Beats me. I don’t even know why I’m running.

Enlightening, isn’t it?

Thoughts?