Friday, May 22, 2009

“That Certain Part Of The Male Anatomy” -- Huh?

I like to think of myself as a keen observer of the modern world. But lately, something has arise that, frankly, has me stumped. According to a, oh how shall I put this. . . b*tch goddess on late night television, my performance may not be what it used to be. It’s not exactly clear what she’s talking about, but in her angry, condescending way, she seems quite certain that something on me is not up to standards anymore.

Apparently, it’s not my fault, but, as I age, a loss of testosterone causes things to shrink. Indeed, a much more pleasant young lady informs me that if I take the pills she is offering, "a certain part" of my anatomy will again become larger.

Here’s the problem though. I’m not entirely sure what part of my anatomy they’re talking about, because they never do tell me. So I got to looking. And sure enough, it turns out they are right. My elbows seem to be smaller than they were when I was younger. . . I’ve got EDS (Elbonic Definitive Shrinkage)!

Now I was always raised to believe that it’s not the size of your elbows that matter, it’s the range of motion. But I will admit to being concerned. This issue seems to be very important to these two ladies, and I wonder how it will affect my social life if I don’t rectify this situation immediately.

So I’ve debated taking these pills. Unfortunately, the FDA has not evaluated their claims. Thus, I am concerned about adverse side-effects. What if my elbows go limp or lock up, or God-forbid I become double jointed? And if they do grow again, will my shirts still fit?

I wish I knew the answers.

Damn you late night television for making me insecure.


SQT said...

Or your elbow may lock-up for more than 4 hours at a stretch. I'd avoid those pills...

AndrewPrice said...

I've heard that too. And "if you start to experience blindness, stop taking the pills".

Really? You mean I shouldn't double down? "Honey, I'm blind, go get me more of those pills, that should help . . ."

John Keats said...

Keats here, coming from a visit to Johnnie Walker in Scotch City. So my advice might not be as salient as usual.

I've felt the same burning curiosity about these magic elbow pills, but my stance has always been thus: it's only time for the upgrade when she complains about the current model. From what I've heard, the elbows you were born with are (is?) what you're stuck with, and 85% of the population has very similar elbows.

So don't worry, friend! Although giving the magic elbow pills a try may benefit you and those around you, my understanding is that the upgrade will be negligible. At best.

LawHawkSF said...

My doctor said not to worry about it. Mine used to get stiff from playing tennis, but the doctor said that the pills weren't necessary, just use fewer strokes.

BevfromNYC said...

From a female perspective, it is not the size of the elbows that matters, it's the size of the hands that count.

Why would anyone take something that one of the potential side effects is "blindness"?

patti said...

so we're calling it elbows now? this is good to know. except i may never look at macaroni the same way...

AndrewPrice said...

Everyone, LOL!

John, doesn't it seem like there should be some exercise you can to do build up your elbows? Maybe that's what Lawhawk is talking about?

Bev, I can't imagine. Even more, I can't imagine why anyone would take MORE of it once it causes blindness, but that's what they warn you about -- stop taking it if it causes blindness.

Patti, I have no idea what you're talking about, I'm talking about elbows. ;-)

Captain Soapbox said...

I laughed at the article, then laughed even more at the comments, and for once I can't even think of something to say.

Good job people, good job indeed. LOL

Writer X said...

Try watching the ad for ONLINEBOOTCALL.COM. Your brain will shrink but your elbow might expand. Andrew, love the site. Wish I had stopped by sooner!

AndrewPrice said...

Writer X, my mind began shrinking the moment I typed in the link. LOL!

Welcome to our little corner of the internet, and many happy returns!

By the way, I've been looking at your site as well lately, very nice. What are you going to do when you hit 100? Go into overtime?

Do you mind if we link to you?

Writer X said...

Andrew, I think I will probably keep going when I hit 100. It's become quite addictive (and therapeutic). A nice change from writing books all day. Would love it if you link to me, and I'll do the same under my list of Favs. I think a lot of the people who visit my site will definitely appreciate yours. It's a riot.

BTW, when I first saw the ad for ONLINEBOOTYCALL.COM on the SciFi channel, I thought it had to be a joke. Sadly, it is not.

Looking forward to your future posts!

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