Sunday, June 21, 2009

God Save the Cookie

I don’t often fall for paranoid fantasies, but sometimes. . . To pay for his half-baked health care plan, President Obama is relying on massive cost savings that supposedly will result from us becoming healthier under his new plan.

Sure, fewer jobs means less exposure to occupational hazards and less income to be used on junk food. But it won’t be enough. So they are considering a ten cent a can tax on soda. Over my dead, bloated, toothless body Mr. President.

Still, alone this information is merely ludicrous. But when mixed with the knowledge that Nestle is being forced to recall all of its cookie dough, I become concerned. Could this be mere coincidence? I think not.

Ladies and gentleman, the Obama administration has begun a war against the cookie, a war we must stop.

We must rise from our couches and demand the right to eat cookies. Be firm my soft, chewy friends. I call upon you to eat cookies wherever possible as a matter of civil disobedience. I call upon you to open secret bakeries, hidden speakeasies behind health club fronts. I call upon you to send empty cookie boxes to Washington in protest.

We must never surrender. So long as one of us knows how to bake. . . so long as someone somewhere has the courage to say, “I could use a cookie”. . . so long as milk is sold in stores. . . we must defend our rights! Eat cookies or perish.

If you don’t, this could be our future. . .

13 comments:

Suzie1 said...

Give me a Coke and a fresh-baked Toll House and I'm a happy camper. More tax on these simple joys? Heaven forbid.

Writer X said...

Is it just me or is Rahm Emanuel starting to look like the cookie monster?

StanH said...

You can have my cookies when you can pry them from my cold dead hands!

ScottDS said...

You know, I'm an independent but the second President Obama takes away my junk food (or taxes it), it'll almost be enough for me to register as a Republican... almost. :-)

BevfromNYC said...

I say hot fudge Sundaes for every day of the week, not just Sunday! They are good for you! They've got chocolate which is good for your heart and all sorts of milk products which have calcium and Vitamin D that build strong bones 12 ways! Add cookies (fiber) and a cherry (fruits/veg) on top, you have an almost complete FDA-approved food pyramid. AND it so great you can even make it look like a pyramid too!

Hey ScottDS - We'll give you cookies and ice cream. Will the Democrats do that?? ;-)

AndrewPrice said...

Bev for President! LOL! Now that is a platform I can stand behind!

Writer X, he does seem rather blue suddenly doesn't he?

ScottDS, I fear that before his term is over, you'll become a hard-right Republican and I will be insane.

Stan, Awesome! Your devotion to your rights brings tears to my eyes! ;-)

Suzie1, Just wait until they start to demand that the FDA regulate cookies, like cigarettes. Imagine needing a prescription to get a Oreo?

BevfromNYC said...

I envision a giant government sponsored cookbook burning and then we will have to exchange dessert recipes like Soviet-style nuclear secrets exchanges.

"You will find the information you seek under the old north bridge. Look for the rock that resembles a scone. Do not try and contact me directly again. Next time we meet I do not know you. Oh, and don't forget to preheat the oven to 350 degrees and wait for the cake to completely cool before frosting."

AndrewPrice said...

Bev, LOLLOLLOL! I see a book in all of this. With apologizes to Ray Bradbury, we could call it "Fahrenheit 350"! :-)

BevfromNYC said...

Great idea, Andrew. A story about groups of underground bakers memorizing the classic authors - James Beard, Julia Childs, Betty Crocker. The possibilities are endless. I see it now.
For sales in Canada and Europe we will have to change the title to "Celsius 176.6666668" though.

LawHawkSF said...

Andrew: Not to worry. It's toll house cookie dough. Once Obama decides he can charge a toll, they'll be back on the market with the government seal of approval.

StlDan said...

I wonder sometimes if we should quit fighting all this silliness and let it happen. I would use the tobacco tax as an example. Most people don't give a damn if you tax tobacco, along with other so called "Sin Taxes" But, you just watch what happens when Obama starts taxing fast-food, snack-food and everything else most people enjoy. You will see signs such as, "Take my liberty but, you leave my cookies alone" or "Give me Micky D's or give me death"

patti said...

no worries, my happy cookies are the talk to the young folks. they will have to pry my happy cookie from my cold dead hands, lips and stomach...

Individualist said...

Andrew

They forgot the milk....

Is that in the sequel?

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