“It’s unstoppable! We’re all going to die.”

Gentle readers of Commentarama, it’s not looking so good for us. Last night I stumbled upon a little noticed article about the H1N1 pandemic. You should all read that article. . . or you can read it below, where I took the liberty of filling in a few blanks.

“I opened the door and influenza,” joked WHO chief Dr. Margaret Chan as she emerged from an emergency meeting with flu experts. “We are moving to Phase 6,” she said. “Phase 6 is the agency’s highest alert level.” Under Phase 6, the WHO will send out a harshly worded letter to the H1N1 virus demanding that it cease and desist all further infections under threat of sanctions that will not be enforced. “If that fails, we will return to Phase 5, under which we ignore the problem and pass the blame to individual countries.”

But why go to Phase 6 now? Is the H1N1 epidemic getting worse? “No,” said Chan. Indeed, she indicated that this decision should have been made earlier, but a certain country that she would not name (though she did hum Rule Britannia) has been falsely reporting their data.

Chan also would not say which country technically tipped the world into the pandemic, though she did pantomime a kangaroo stomping a dingo. WHO flu chief Keiji Fukuda was more forthcoming, stating simply: “Australia.” He later elaborated, “They seemed to indicate the virus was spreading rapidly there -- more than 1,300 cases were reported by Thursday. By July 3, I expect everyone on their island to be dead.”

Dr. Thomas Frieden, the new head of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, said in Atlanta that he does not expect widespread public anxiety in the United States as a result of the declaration, largely because of the fact that of 29,000 cases in 74 countries, most have reported only mild symptoms and few have needed medical treatment. Nevertheless, he is hopeful that the new declaration will terrify people.

Dr. Frieden also asked that we wish his grandmother a happy birthday.

David Ropeik, an expert in risk perception and communication at Harvard University, says the word “pandemic” is less frightening than “apocalyptic plague” which he had recommended using.

Said Mr. Ropeik, “This ‘soft build up’ is a blown opportunity. It allows people to get used to what is otherwise a scary word, understand the particulars of the disease, and that should mean that reaction will be a little more information-based and a little less emotional. And frankly, that sucks.”

Each expert did agree that the public should consider itself warned that H1N1 has now technically turned into a pandemic, and that it has the potential to kill us all. So far, swine flu has caused only 144 deaths, compared with ordinary flu that kills up to 500,000 people a year, but that could change at any moment.

The H1N1 virus could not be reached for comment.