Doctor Commentarama Is In. . .

You may not know this, but Commentarama operates a Talk Radio show called “Dr. Commentarama.” At least, we did until someone figured out that none of us have medical training. Qualifications, bah! Any hoo, here is the transcript from our last show. Enjoy!

Dr. C: Yeah caller, I’d cut that off. . . I doubt you’ll miss it. Our next caller is “Joey B.” from Delaware. Go ahead caller.

”Joey B.”: Doctor, I’ve got this itch.

Dr. C: Of course you do.

”Joey B.”: I got it from this woman at work. Let’s call her “Hillary.”

Dr. C: Let’s not.

”Joey B.”: Oh man, she’s great. She’s not much to look at, like my wife. . . man, she’s a knockout. But I like her because she’s not very smart. Women shouldn’t be too smart. My wife is a doctor and she’s too smart. But this isn’t about Hillary. There’s this other woman at work. She’s clean and articulate, man she’s a storybook. She’s even got a magic garden that produces vegetables faster than it’s humanly possible.

Dr. C: So you’re interested in this woman?

”Joey B.”: Oh yeah, at some point. But right now, I’ve got my eye on this little filly. . . a real dog man, not like those women from the Ukraine, but she’s rock stupid. I mean she’s really dumb. I know my IQ is higher than hers. I love that!

Dr. C: What’s your question Joe?

”Joey B.”: Oh yeah, my question. How much Viagra can I take at one time?

Dr. C: Doesn’t it say on the bottle?

”Joey B.”: It might, but I lost the bottle. I've just got handfuls of the stuff in a briefcase. So how much can I take?

Dr. C: As much as you like Joe, as long as you drink to excess.

”Joey B.”: Won’t that cause my elbow to go double-jointed?

Dr. C: It might. Next caller, “Timmy G.” What’s up caller?

”Timmy G”: Thanks for taking my call. I have an embarrassing problem and I need you to assure me that no one will find out about this.

Dr. C: You do understand this is a radio show, right “Timmy G”?

”Timmy G”: I understand that. So can you assure me that no one will find out about this?

Dr. C: We can assure you of anything you like. What’s the question?

”Timmy G”: I used to have this job, and we had this program, let’s call it CARP. We did some things we probably shouldn’t have and there were a lot of documents. . . too many to shred in the office.

Dr. C: And?

”Timmy G”: Well, we needed to get the documents out to a commercial shredder, and I was watching a show about prison and I saw something they were doing.

Dr. C: You didn’t?

”Timmy G”: Yeah, it’s called “suitcasing.”

Dr. C: What happened?

”Timmy G”: They got stuck, about ten files full.

Dr. C: I’m speechless.

”Timmy G”: I wasn’t, I was screaming. I kept yelling at Barry and the Doddster, "stop stuffing, stop stuffing. Ow it hurts!"

Dr. C: What did you do then?

”Timmy G”: I, um, tried to extract them with my hand. . . but my hand got stuck in one of the binders.

Dr. C: Uh. . .

”Timmy G”: Then I tried the other hand and that got stuck too.

Dr. C: Wait a minute, how are you holding the phone?

”Timmy G”: I’m on speaker. I’m still in my office and I’m in a jam. How do I extract myself from this situation? I think the press is outside waiting for me.

Dr. C: I’d suggest eating more roughage. Let’s go to the next caller. This is “Hillary” from Foggy Bottom. Go ahead caller.

“Hillary”: Dr. C, I keep having this recurring dream.

Dr. C: Is this the one with the pink elephant and the tutu?

“Hillary”: No, but my boss keeps having that dream. This is the one where I go to work naked.

Dr. C: Ok, dream interpretation is easy. Being naked in a dream is usually a sign of stress, a sign that you are worried about being unprepared.

“Hillary”: I’m not worried about the naked part.

Dr. C: Your co-workers would be.

“Hillary”: After I get to work, I walk into my boss’s office and I start smacking him around. . . beating him to a pulp. The whole time he’s crying, “yes we can, yes we can.” And that just makes me angrier and angrier. As he crawls off into the corner crying, I grab this big red button off his desk and I push the button.

Dr. C: What happens when you push the button?

“Hillary”: Pakistan blows up.

Dr. C: Sounds fair. Why Pakistan?

“Hillary”: My husband is visiting a brothel in Pakistan at the time.

Dr. C: I see.

“Hillary”: I think this dream means that I should run for President.

Dr. C: That’s how I would interpret it. Final caller today is “Janet from DHS.” Go ahead caller.

”Janet from DHS”: Hi, my name is Janet.

Dr. C: Yeah, we know.

”Janet from DHS”: I have this job.

Dr. C: I figured.

”Janet from DHS”: I have to fight terrorists in my job.

Dr. C: I feel safer already.

”Janet from DHS”: Is there anything I can take that fights terrorists? Like something topical?

Dr. C: Napalm.

”Janet from DHS”: Can I get that over the counter?

Dr. C: Uh. . . Janet, are you sure you know what you’re doing? Terrorism isn’t really a medical problem.

”Janet from DHS”: It’s not?

Dr. C: No Janet, it’s not.

”Janet from DHS”: Jeez, everybody in my office told me to call you. I think I’ve been punked.

Dr. C: From the sound of it, so has the nation Janet. Alright folks, our time is up. Join us next week when we hear from Nancy P. who is suffering from early on-set zombism and soul death, and Harry R. who seems to have diarrhea coming out of his mouth. Take care.