The Weekly Bidenism

The Israeli/Palestinian issue is perhaps the most complex diplomatic issue the world has to offer. So why not send the world’s most complex thinker? Oh yes. Get ready for. . . The Weekly Bidenism.

Believe it or not, President Obama just announced that he is sending Slow Joe to Israel to “save” the failing Middle East Peace Process. Move over George Mitchell, make way for Slow Joe. And I mean that literally, considering Joe’s recent success in striking down pedestrians with his motorcade.

In fact, before we discuss the “merits” of handing this issue to Joe, let me extend this warning to my Jewish and Arab friends: get off the streets. Biden is coming! So far, in just one year, his motorcade has managed to scratch four pedestrians. He’s looking for five. He’s the Darth Vader of motorcaders! In fact, his motorcade has become such a sign of terror that they’re making a movie about it, they’re either calling it “Terror at 40 mph” or “The Cading.” Run!!!

Let’s get back to the issue. When you appoint someone to act as a negotiator, you typically look for someone who is considered impartial and who both sides can respect. That ain’t Joe.

Indeed, the Palestinians may wonder about Joe’s impartiality, as he famously said in 2007: “I am a Zionist. You don’t have to be a Jew to be a Zionist.” But hey, why should this be a problem for the Palestinians. Aren’t we all Zionists now. . . and Berliners? That doesn’t mean you aren’t impartial?

Of course, he also called Israel “the single greatest strength America has in the Middle East,” which kind of implies American ownership or at least partnership, so maybe. . . just maybe the Palestinians might not see him as entirely impartial? But then, his reasoning was a little strange, so maybe they’ll just write this off as typical Joeffoonery:

“Imagine our circumstance in the world were there no Israel. How many battleships would there be? How many troops would be stationed?”

Uh. . . what? Why would we be sending troops to protect the non-existing Israel? And what do battleships have to do with this? As you saying Israel keeps Arab navies from the high seas? Or are you calling Israel a proxy army for the United States? I think you might want to stop talking now Joe. How about just saying they’re the only legitimate democracy in the region and have been a good friend?

At least the Israelis will be happy to have him as a negotiator, right? I mean, heck, he told the Israeli’s that: “Israel’s decisions must be made in Jerusalem.” Thus, proving that he knows where Israel’s capitol is located. And he said, “Israel has the right to defend itself and it doesn't have to ask, just as any other free and independent country.” Good, Joe understands the concept of national sovereignty. Then he said that Israeli is “entitled” to launch a military strike against Iran:

“Israel can determine for itself -- it's a sovereign nation -- what's in their interest and what they decide to do relative to Iran and anyone else. Whether we agree or not. They're entitled to do that. Any sovereign nation is entitled to do that. . . . If the Netanyahu government decides to take a course of action different than the one being pursued now, that is their sovereign right to do that. That is not our choice.”

Whooops. That one didn’t play so well in the press, but the Israelis were thrilled when he said it, especially when he added that the United States will “always stand by Israel, without telling Israelis what they can and cannot do.” What’s not to like, right?

Well, Joe giveth, and Joe taketh away too, like when said:

“Israel will have to reconcile itself with the nuclearization of Iran.”

He also told them that they “must” stop building settlements, must dismantle existing outposts, must work toward a two state solution with the Palestinians, and must allow free movement of Palestinians. So we can’t tell Israel what to do, but they better accept the fact that we’re going to tell them what to do? Oh, and wash behind your ears before you go to bed.

Of course, on the nuclear issue, the Israelis might take comfort from the idea that Joe might be exaggerating about Iran going nuclear. Indeed, Joe recently said:

“[Iran’s] not a nuclear power. I can understand why Ahmadinejad would make that assertion to divert the world's attention from the abuse of the civil liberties and civil rights of the people of Iran. The progress that Iran has made on the nuclear front is greatly exaggerated in my view.”

Excellent, so there’s nothing to worry about? Except that the International Atomic Energy Agency, and everyone else, disagrees. But that’s Joe, always the maverick.

At least Joe and Obama have a plan. That should put the Israelis at ease. Joe says to give sanctions time. He even assures us that Obama “has” (read: “might soon have”) China on board with sanctions, and that will solve the crisis. Let’s just hope the Israelis didn’t hear Biden when he said:

“It’s doubtful if the economic sanctions will be effective, and I am against opening an additional military and diplomatic front.”

Is this really the best choice for a negotiator for the Middle East Peace Process? This is a region that lives on a knife’s edge with war possible at any moment for the slightest of slights. And into this combustible mix, Obama now throws Simple Joe? Perhaps we have more to fear than just his motorcade. . .