The Elves Discover TSA

By the Boiler Room Elves

Greetings! Undoubtedly you’ve noticed the marked decrease in quality around Commentarama in the past few months as we Elves left the Bossmen to their own devices. Lured away by visions of the jet-setting life, whisking in and out of towns, staying in posh business hotels, getting status on airlines and flying 1st class, we abandoned the Boiler Room to take a 100% travel job. Sadly, we found travel for work by commercial plane was not quite the same as jetting off by personal sleigh for vacation. Thankfully, we came to our senses and returned to our beloved Boiler Room before everything fell apart around here. . .

What’s wrong with commerical travel, you ask? Well, how about this little organization called the TSA?! (Toiletry Search Agency? Thousands Standing Around? This Sucks A --- ahem...) Have you seen what they’ve been up to lately?

○ Patting down 6 year olds! Never mind that TSA Director John Pistole said in November: “We’ve heard the concerns that have been expressed and agree that children under 12 should not receive that pat-down.”

○ Stun gun left on airplane after a flight! No one seems quite to know how that one got on board the JetBlue flight, but don’t worry, we’re assured that it appears no one wanted to use it in an attack. Whew.

○ How about the Nigerian man who was found on a plane with 10 expired boarding passes that got him through “security” and on board? Think a 95-year-old grandma could have gotten away with this? What if she hid her boarding passes in her Depends?

○ No worries, though, at least you’re not going to get cancer and die from the “Nude-O-Scopes!” Oh wait... TSA employees are already showing increased cancer rates. Hmmm....

○ All of this, of course, is when the Smurfs, excuse us, TSA agents aren't busy stealing things out of your carry-on while their compatriots harass you.

But is any of this worth it? The TSA says they are doing this to protect us. But if that's true, then why would they exempt kids from the search? Logically, that means they’re creating a massive security hole. Wouldn’t any reputable terrorist just hide their weapons on kids knowing they won't be searched?

Is this policy really about safety if they are willing to create such a security hole or is it just for show? If it’s not just for show, why do they keep talking about creating some sort of privileged person pass that lets you pay a fee (i.e. tax) to skip right through security? Do they really think terrorists are just too cheap to pay the fee?

Heck, does this strip search policy even work in the first place? Check out this video from a German TV show. As a demonstration, a man goes through one of the modern, cutting-edge Nude-O-Scopes -- with a screener who knows he is carrying items to be confiscated. He gets a few things removed from his person. . . and still has enough items concealed on himself for some nice pyrotechnics.

In the immortal words of Honorary Elf Ben Franklin -- “They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.” What would Ben say about those who give up essential liberty to be given the appearance of temporary safety?