Thursday, August 3, 2017

Ode To Bread-n-Butter

I spent the better part of the afternoon doubled over in laughter. It is amazing that there are people actually writing for major media organizations who have no concept of what happens outside their own little bubbles. Here is a perfect example. Oh, and there will be a test, so pay attention:

The following article was published in the New York Times on August 1 and hit my Twitter feed in the early afternoon thanks to our very own Tryanmax:

Ode To the Buttered Roll, That New York Lifeline
- written by Sadie Stein, New York Times Food writer

I gotta tell ya', I haven't laughed this hard in a long time especially when I read this. Ms. Stein wrote these words in all seriousness and then it appeared in the NYT:
Though of course bread and butter are eaten all over, the buttered roll (or roll with butter, as it is known in parts of New Jersey) is a distinctly local phenomenon. Mention its name outside the New York metropolitan area and you would very likely be met with blank incomprehension.
And oh, this wasn't satire. I had just gotten passed the "buttered roll/roll with butter" explanation when the next part of that paragraph just made I laughed so hard I couldn't breath. I understand that you poor, unedumacated flyover people have NO idea what a buttered roll/roll with butter was before reading this.

And just to make sure that you can, I mean have read the article, let's take a test:

1. Did you know what a buttered roll/roll with butter was before you read the article?

2. Do you know how to put "butter" on "a roll"?

3. The photo is of a "kaiser roll". Can you find this in your area?

4. What is the price of a pound of butter in your area? [Seriously, I am curious for personal reasons]

Because I know some of you don't have the great, good fortune of living in the "New York Metropolitan area" as I do, I am sure your answer to Question #2 has to be "No". Fortunately for you, there are videos on YouTube that will explain how to place butter on a roll in great detail. WARNING: Use caution because you can do seriously harm to yourself and those around you.

And PLEASE do not come to the "New York Metropolitan area" without learning this skill. Otherwise we will be obligated to point and laugh.

Actually, It was fun reading all of the counter-tweets to this article including the "How-To" on buttering a roll. And it had the extra added bonus of not having the word "Trump" in any of part of it!


tryanmax said...

I paid $3.25 for my last pound of butter. (They discontinued the stuff that was $2.99 and tasted better.) If I'm feeling fancy, I'll drop coin for the $5+ stuff. I confess, I get all my rolls from the Italian bakery on the corner. No kaisers.

AndrewPrice said...

What's butter?

AndrewPrice said...

Bev, Seriously, this ==> Mention its name outside the New York metropolitan area and you would very likely be met with blank incomprehension -- is probably true for this reporter.

Reporter: Have you ever tried this thing we have in New York called a buttered roll?

Local: //stares at reporter with blank incomprehension... wonders if this is some kind of joke, performance art or intentional insult

Reporter: When will the Indians attack the fort?

Local: //slaps the sh*t out of the reporter

Reporter: //runs back to New York and whines about how unfriendly those people in flyover country are

AndrewPrice said...

And to answer your questions:

1. Yep
2. As well as other things
3. We have a German bakery in town that makes amazing Kaiser Rolls. I pick those up whenever I can.
4. $2.99, but I think you can get it cheaper. You just have to promise not to put it on rolls.

Koshcat said...

1. I think we called them dinner rolls
2. Duh! But can they do it with the same knife you just dressed a deer?
3. Probably. I try to avoid carbs
4. No idea. Wife probably does.

LL said...

We who live outside of NYC have no concept of either rolls or butter - such is the life of the proletariat. It's good that our betters are willing to share items of culture like that with us.

ArgentGale said...

That's some serious out of touch stupidity... I wonder how she'd react to the fact that we enjoy our buttered dinner rolls down here in the South - that place marked "Here There Be Deplorables" on whatever map she has! Anyway...

1. Like Koshcat said we call them dinner rolls.
2. Yep.
3. It looks and sounds familiar but I don't recall seeing them locally. I haven't looked either, though.
4. I'll have to get back to you on that next time I go to the grocery store.

tryanmax said...

So, according to Twitterers, people in New York know that everyone knows what a buttered roll (or roll with butter) is. What they mean is, you can't buy a buttered roll (or roll with butter) from a street cart. Jeez, guys! You think New Yorkers are so full of themselves. You say you're not dumb but then you just prove how dumb you are. Whaddya mean it's so New York to be too lazy to butter my own bread? What do want me to do? Make my lunch at home and carry it?

tryanmax said...

OT: Astonishingly, economists are now concerned with the U6 unemployment number, whereas before they would routinely dismiss that number. I wonder what changed?

BevfromNYC said...

Tryanmax: WHAAAA? When did Italians (you know they are from Italy, a foreign country, right? ;-D) make it to where you live? It thought they only made it as far as New Jersey! And they have a "bakery"? Wow, just wow. I had no idea!

BevfromNYC said...

Andrew: "Butter" is this stu...oh, nevermind. You wouldn't understand anyway.

Also: LOLOLOLOL! That is exactly it!

Btw, did you know that HuffPo writers decided that they need to get out more and now traveling the countryside to actually "meet and talk to" all of those "flyover people" they've heard so much about between NYC and LA! I can't wait to see if any of them survive. I think the series will be called "Surviving: My Travels and Travails Without Buttered Rolls" (or "...Rolls With Butter" for the NJ addition)

BevfromNYC said...

Wait, Andrew, you have Germans AND bakeries? What magic is this? Ironically this famous, only in NY deli-style "kaiser rolls" this woman is writing about are THE worst tasting things in the world. Their only saving grace is that they are cheap. They are smooshy and the butter is...well, it's not butter.

So that is actually the most likely reason you cannot find them anywhere else but NY.

BevfromNYC said...

Tryanmax: "U6 unemployment numbers", I think that the only reason they care is that they really did listen to us for 8 years when we questioned why these weren't included and realized in, what can only be described as "an epiphany" on Nov. 8, 2016 that we must have been right all along.

Just like we are back to "the stock market is bad because it is so high" again. Not that I don't necessarily agree, but...

BevfromNYC said...

Koshcat: As per your question, OF COURSE NOT!!! You must use what they call a "butter knife" with your pinky delicately raised as you gentle spread the creamy yellow buttery goodness all over your...oh, 'kay that didn't go exactly the way I had planned.

BevfromNYC said...

LL and Daniel: See, I knew it. You poor souls. Now I see why you really are "deplorable". But I am glad that you do know enough to be able to spread butter on a piece of bread. You give me hope that one day we can all rise above our stations in life and learn to live in peace. BUTTERED ROLLS FOR ALL!!!!

AndrewPrice said...

"Here There Be Deplorables" LOL! Bravo, Daniel!

AndrewPrice said...

Bev, We do have Germans. They arrived as settlers in 1945 und ze brought ORDER!

Actually, Colorado Springs has a lot of military and they all married German women in the 1950s and 1960s and brought them here.

BevfromNYC said...

What next? Are you gonna tell me that there are Scandinavians and, God forbid, Canadians in Minnesota?

Anonymous said...

And don't forget, according to David Brooks, also of the New York Times, none of us can successfully order a cold cut sandwich either. What is it with the New York Times and food?

ArgentGale said...

Thanks, Andrew! I try. =)

BevfromNYC said...

Okay, now there is an actual reason I asked you what the price of butter is where you live. You see, in NYC, the land of opportunity, Lady Liberty, and all that, a pound of butter costs around $7.99. That's not the fancy Kerrygold butter or some fancy French or Vermont butter made from special cows that are massaged with beer or anything either. That is the price of just the regular store brand.

So, NYC - give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to buy butter at price that doesn't require a loan from the bank...

BevfromNYC said...

GypsyT - OMG I forgot about how you poor souls don't know anything about fancy Eyetalian salami. Well, maybe Tryanmax does 'cause as we learned there are actually Eyetalians where he lives. Everyone clap!

Stacy said...

BevfromNYC...The grocery stores out here in the sticks just started carrying Kerrygold butter and it runs $5-something. We prefer rolls of Ay-mish butter at $4-something. Kaiser rolls are found in all grocery stores.

BevfromNYC said...

Stacy: It's depressing that butter is so much less in other places. I can't afford to bake anymore unless I "import" butter from Texas when I go there for a visit.

Oh, by the way...Do not...I not try Kerrygold butter. It is a gateway butter that will lead to never being satified with any other kind of butter again. [And that will leave more for me...bwahahahaha...wait, did I write that outloud?]

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