Anal yzing Hillary

Any psychologist who will give a diagnosis without meeting a person in person and over the course of several sessions is a liar and an asshat... and very useful to journalists and defense attorneys. Anyways, some chickiepooh named Dr. Bond... Alma Bond... just did a number of Hillary Clinton. Dr. Bond is a psychoanalyst (psycho◦anal◦yst) from Columbia University. Allow me to translate the article discussing her psychobabble for your edification.

Hillary Clinton is a lonely woman who has trouble expressing her feelings.

So is Caitlin Jenner. Seriously though, this is no surprise. People with her personality type (asshole) tend to be lonely for reasons that are a complete and total mystery to them. As for problems expressing herself, yeah, we see that every time she opens her mouth. This woman couldn’t express her desire to exit a paper bag.

So says Dr. Alma Bond... She has been studying Hillary Clinton from afar for many years.

Alma is a lazy stalker... and pretty much disqualifies her opinion right there. Let us continue, however, for the sake of argument.

The Democratic presidential candidate has difficulty with men...

Yeah, no crap. One word: pantsuit. And if you don’t like that word, try some of these: asexual, lesbian, ugly, deeply unpleasant, cackles, nagger, man-hater, clingy.

...and she needs a woman friend on her same political level that she can share strategy or top secret events of the day.

Yeah, chicks are like that. But wherever will Hillary find another woman who got famous because of her husband and is now in the tail end of an incompetent, accomplishment-free political career? Where is Imelda Marcos when you need her?

Dr. Bond suggests that Hillary has unsuccessfully looked for a female equal for years, despite the closeness of her assistant and closest aide, Huma Abedin.

There is double meaning here. It means that Hillary is a lesbian... an old lesbian... an unsuccessful old lesbian... an unsuccessful old lesbian looking for more than a humma’.

Hillary cuts a lonely figure as she holidays in the Hamptons.

That’s because she went by herself. If she had gone with a girl gang like Taylor Swift, then people would be saying... well, “who knew Taylor Swift was a lesbian” but they might also be saying, “I didn’t know Hillary had friends!”

Abedin has helped to fill Hillary's void of loneliness...

Snicker snicker snicker. No she hasn’t... not possible. How do I know? Look, the 14 year old boy inside me finds that line rather humorous, but knows better than to explain what I mean. The 45 year old smart ass inside me, however, has no such problem and notes that Abedin cannot fill Hillary’s void of loneliness because she lacks the hardware. It’s no wonder a humma ain’t doing it for Hillary! Has no one explained this to Hillary?

Dr. Bond has drawn the conclusion that one of the Democratic presidential candidate's biggest problems is her inability to express her feelings and it all began back in her in childhood in Park Ridge, Illinois, a neighborhood devoid of Jews, blacks or Asians.

Yeah, I can’t express myself either without Jews in the hood. Oy yo.

Her father Hugh Rodham, a curtain salesman who died of a stroke... was a combative, working-class man from eastern Pennsylvania who was riddled with prejudices against anyone who wasn't like him.

So, Hillary’s problem is that her father (1) sold curtains, (2) was a man, (3) was from eastern Pennsylvania, (4) was working-class or (5) kept singing “One of these things ain’t like the f**ing others!” I’m no shrink, but I’m betting that each of these was not equally responsible for Hillary’s problem.

Hugh was a bruiser at home and excessively spanked the couple's three children. He verbally abused Hillary's mother, Dorothy, and Bond describes their relationship as 'sadomasochist'.

So Hillary likes spankings and she’s into S&M? Paging Christian Grey.

But Hillary never gave up trying to please Hugh and at five years old, asked him to marry her.

Wow... she’s a modern day Electra!

His response was to whack her in the butt and run off to find her mother who offered comfort in the form of a chocolate bar.

Wait a minute... is that a real chocolate bar or does it mean something else? And why does everything about Hillary have to do with her butt?

Dr. Bond suggests that as a result of the oppressive upbringing, Hillary doesn't express her feelings and it has made her ambivalent towards men as well as tolerant of a cheating husband.

So because she finds men oppressive, she’s cool with them doing whatever they want? How does that make sense?

With the stinginess in her early years, Hillary has no intrinsic talent for dressing well and never learned. She hasn't escaped the pants suits routine but she also doesn't believe it matters how she dresses anyway, the author surmises. She was 'the drab girl nobody gave a second look at until Bill Clinton came alone'.

She’s a bad dresser because she came from a broken home? Really? So if you come from a broken home, you have two choices... knock over liquor stores or become a bad dresser. What a world!

Dr. Bond believes Hillary is lonely at the top and craves a female equal.

Maybe she needs a “chocolate bar”?

Bond concludes that ultimately she believes Hillary is 'a wonderful human being with deep flaws, whom anyone would be lucky to call a friend'.

So was Hitler I’m told. And judging by how her friends have all died or gone to jail or had their careers implode, I’m thinking “lucky” ain’t the word for it. Also, where is there any evidence that she’s a “wonderful human being”? Seems like kind of an ass actually, and no one has ever called her wonderful to my knowledge.

She describes Clinton as 'a frank and outspoken person, rather than a truthful one. Like most politicians, she bends the truth for political reasons' – and she calls her a healthy narcissist as well ---interested in the welfare of the world and not just focused on herself.

Wow. Contradiction city. “Frank” usually implies truthful (or “hot dog”), but apparently she’s a frank liar (or she lies about sausages)... good luck wrapping your head around that. Alma also claims she’s a narcissist who cares about the world, even though narcissists by definition care only about themselves. Somebody is either very confused or they’re a liar.

Personally, I think Alma may be reading a little too much into the little she’s read about Hillary... or she’s not reading enough.

Thoughts?