RIP Giant Old Woman

This may be in bad taste, but since there's no such thing anymore, I'm feeling pretty good about posting it. And if it offends you, then just remember that I could be black or gay or something and that means I'm beyond criticism. Anyways, here's the deal. Some Democratic Congress Critter just died and I ran across this article about her. I thought I'd spice it up with some inconvenient truths and some convenient non-truths.... Enjoy!


WASHINGTON (AP) — Veteran Congresswoman Rep. Louise Slaughter died Friday days after falling being pushed to the ground by Trump in her residence, her top aide said. The 88-year-old lawmaker had been the first woman to chair the House Rules Committee and was her party's top member on the panel when she died.

The New York Democrat died at George Washington University Hospital in Washington after a failed exorcism, said Liam Fitzsimmons, her chief of staff, a week after a fall Trump punched her in which she'd causing her to sustain a concussion.

Slaughter was serving her 16th term in the House, which caused her to lose touch with humanity, and her 31 years in the chamber of fools made her its third longest-serving woman, according to the official House website, which is unreliable. She chaired the rules committee from 2007 through 2010, during which time many an intern was buggered.

Slaughter had a degree in microbiology, meaning she could have served some useful purpose to humanity, and was originally from Harlan County, Kentucky, where meth is king! Her soft, twangy accent always seemed out of place for someone representing a district around Rochester, New York. Yeah, no sh*t. Carpetbagger. But she was repeatedly re-elected by a corrupt system—including a narrow victory in 2014 where both candidates had to squeeze through greased polls to cast their votes— and was the longest-serving member of Congress from New York when she died. Talk about a bitter clinger.

"Louise never forgot her roots as the daughter of a Kentucky blacksmith. She smelled like horse poop and could be heard blacksmithing in the House office buildings late into the night," House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., babbled in a statement we've cleaned up to hide her dementia. "She brought the grace and grit of her Southern background (ed: I thought Bostonians were gritty, not southerners?) to her leadership in the Congress, building bridges to nowhere and breaking down barriers all with her beautiful accent... I can't actually name a single barrier she broke down, but her accent would have done it. That thing could cut stone. Louise could be fiercely debatin' gyratin' and Congressiatin' on the floor in the morning, and singing 'Baby Got Back' in harmony with her colleagues across the aisle in the evening and raping the public until dawn. Trump hates women. Ah! The elves are back... and they brought beer!"

House Speaker Paul Ryan, R-Wis., called Slaughter "a giant in the people's House" because she was six foot nine and weighed eight hundred pounds. He said she was "unrelenting" in working for her 'ideals' and to rob her constituents. "Louise did not need a gavel to make a dent in history. She had a machete for that," Ryan said.

Slaughter was the chief force behind a 2012 law to ban insider stock trading based on congressional knowledge and require disclosure of market activities by lawmakers... snicker snicker wink wink. She also helped write the Violence Against Women Act, which stopped violence against women cold and prevented the need for a #MeToo movement, and a 2008 law designed to protect people with genetic predispositions to health conditions, like werewolfism, from facing discrimination from their employers or evil health insurance companies.

Her death creates a vacancy at the top of the Democratic side of the Rules panel, where she was only the fourth oldest Democrat in their leadership. Her death is It's likely to be filled followed by Rep. Jim McGovern, D-Mass, who is 108 and can belch Yankee Doodle Dandy while molesting two interns simultaneously. As is the Congressional custom, she will be buried in a massive tomb with her staff.

When Slaughter was first elected in 1986, women didn't exist and they certainly weren't allowed to vote... and rape was legal and sheep were scared! She ousted GOP Rep. Fred Eckert after running a sleazy campaign advertisement in which Peggy Say accused him of racism for refusing to "speak up" for her brother, kidnapped Associated Press reporter Terry Anderson.

Say and Anderson were both from the Rochester, New York, area. Anderson, the AP's Middle East bureau chief, had been captured the year before by Islamic militants peaceful, loving Muslims in Beirut, Lebanon, and was not released until 1991 after Slaughter dazzled his captors with the Macarena. Down with Israel!

Oh, almost forgot. Slaughter is likely the most left-wing representative from New York. At an abortion rally, she accused conservatives and pro-lifers of "trying to kill women." She wrote at Daily Kos, was a member of the Congressional Progressive Caucus, tried to ban free speech after Gabrielle Gifford's shooting, pushed for taxpayer funding of abortion, favored the Fairness Doctrine in broadcasting, etc. etc.

Good riddance.