The Obamas: Avoid. Obama will come dressed in a bathrobe with a presidential seal and holding a golf club. Mrs. O will come dressed like Oprah. They will shower you in candy... but the wrappers are empty.
Joe Biden: WARNING DANGER! Avoid. Joe likes to dress like Hillary Clinton. But for Halloween, he’ll be dressed as the most interesting man in the administration. No one knows what kind of candy Joe hands out because he shoots through the door at trespassers, so don't risk it.
John Boehner: Sure. Boehner will be dressed as a eunuch and he pays out like a drunken cattleman at a hooker convention. If he doesn’t give you enough, just threaten him and he’ll give more. Careful though, he cries and you will get wet.
Ted Cruz: Depends. Ted dresses as an anti-establishment outsider and he’s never seen without his mini-me Mike Lee at his side. If you can pass his purity test, he hands out “authentic” tacos from Taco Bell with little Canadian flags on them. If you want to pass his test, the answer is always “No!”
Kathleen Sebelius: Avoid. She’ll come to the door dressed as a professional, but she won’t be able to figure out how to get the door open, so don’t bother.
Harry Reid: Maybe. You’ll find Harry at the Ritz, dressed like Hitler and surrounded by union thugs and prostitutes. He hands out LOTS of candy, but only to his friends.
The Pentagon: Absolutely. That place is awash in candy and has so many doors that they won’t know if you’ve already come. This place is a bonanza so bring extra sacks! (Important: Muslim costumes are a bad idea.)
John McCain: Avoid. He’ll be dressed in a Republican costume, complete with elephant mask... or as Yosemite Sam. He’ll waste an hour of your time telling you about the big treats he’s going to give you, but he only gives candy to people you don't like. Expect a stick of unflavored gum.
Eric Holder: Depends. Eric doesn’t hand out candy to whites.
Al Gore: Forget it. You’ll never make it past the huge electric fence and the stadium lights will blind you. And if you somehow make it to the door, the heat emanating from that huge, cavernous mansion which is heated by the rendered fat from polar bears, it will melt your costume. Plus, he only hands out indulgences and even then he wants you to pay for them.
The Supreme Court: Avoid. These clowns will be dressed as the Oracle from Ancient Greece and they never give you what you want.
Congress: Avoid. They only give out treats to people with a K-Street or Wall-Street address and most of them are nuts. Expect to see a lot of zombies... some in costume.
NSA: Avoid. They take, they don’t give. They do play a mean game of knock-knock though.
The Fed: Avoid. They only hand out laxatives to help with gastronomic easing.
Clinton, Bill: Depends. Clinton will come dressed as himself or as Carlos Danger. If you are female (or dressed like one) expect to be groped. He hands out cigars, but you might not like where he puts them.
Clinton, Hillary: Avoid. Hillary will come to the door dressed as Marvin the depressed Robot. Uh, yeah, that’s about it.
Freedom Works: Avoid. These Fortune 500 presidents, hedge fund managers and lobbyists will come to the door dressed in tricorn hats. They pass out American Pie (hencho en Mexico) in exchange for favors to be named later.
Glenn Beck: Avoid. Glenn dresses as God in a blue suit. He will give you communion if you kiss his ring. Ask for a tour of his bunker. Oh, and if you want to have some fun, get some friends and come dressed as a gay, Mexican Mariachi band who have come to the US to spread the word about Common Core.
Eric Weiner: Uh... no. He will come to the door dressed as the Mayor of New York and he will touch you... inappropriately... a lot. He hands out copies of Sydney Leathers’ porno tape.
There you have it, a guide on where to go trick or treating in Washington D.C. and how to maximize the take! Good luck and good hunting. Have a happy Halloween.
21 comments:
something about the way you use the terms depends …… Hillary should come dressed as a turkey. She has the greatest neck waddle on the planet. Or, maybe she could come as Baby Huey in her lemon polyester pantsuit.
Jed, I like the idea of Hillary as a turkey, but she really does remind me of Marvin the Depressed Robot from Hitchhiker's Guide.
Yeah, depends kind of depends on your purpose I guess.;-)
I've got to stop clicking on Daily Caller articles. Their headlines always mislead. I just clicked on an article titled "Girl suspended for weeks because she drove her brother’s car to school" which you'd think would be about a girl suspended for weeks because she drove her brother's car to school, but you'd be wrong :).
The article is about a girl who drove her brother's truck to school with a gun nobody knows nothing about in plain sight. Somebody saw the gun and called the cops. Theoretically she could have been expelled, but all she got was a slap on the wrist (10 day suspension). Of course, 'Girl gets mildest possible punishment for bringing weapon onto school grounds' doesn't quite have the same ring to it and doesn't fit the 'Deese skools iz outta control!' narrative.
Read more: http://dailycaller.com/2013/10/30/girl-suspended-for-weeks-because-she-drove-her-brothers-car-to-school/#ixzz2jCzoDLtz
Rand Paul: Sure. You may or may not get what you are hoping for, but if you give him 13 hours, he'll tell you who's candy to avoid.
Mark Levin: Avoid. Mark will dress up as a Constitutional scholar but that's just so you'll take his book, which he wants you to pay for. Watch what you say or he'll start yelling at you before he slams the door in your face.
Mitt Romney: Sure. Last year, Mitt already knew that at least 47% of people wouldn't ring his doorbell. This year, he'll be happy if anyone thinks of him at all.
Russel Brand: Don't bother. No one knows why a Brit comic has a say in American politics, but he won't be home anyway. He'll be running about wearing a Guy Fawkes mask and egging network anchors.
This Woman: Avoid.
Gay Mexican Mariachi Band?
You stole my idea! ;)
Of course, my idea involved Marxist Gay Mexicans meaning a group of flamboyantly gay Che Guevaras either playing Mariachi music or do the Mexican Hat Dance. :)
Anthony,
That is just dishonest editing at its most finest.
Hmmm. "Marxist Gay Mexican" was my original idea for a Halloween costume. I may have to revise that now. :-/
Also, I have it on good authority that the Obamas made a last-minute change from candy wrappers to arugula.
Anthony, The Daily Caller went fringe long ago. They causally mix hate, misinformation, witch hunts and outright lies to generate their articles. Time and again, I've found them to distort facts, to report only what fits their narrative, to provide misleading half-quotes, and to combine it all in the warm hateful glow of "all them RINOs and liberals is destroyin' the reel 'merkica!"
Their common core reporting in particular is really bad. They make heroes of villains and lie, lie, lie, lie. Yet, their readers drink the KoolAid and then make more amongst themselves in the comments.
tryanmax, That's just wrong. Someone should give her a letter that says,
"It is obvious that you have deep seated psychological problems since you are spending your time ruining a fun holiday for kids to cover whatever other problems exist in your own worthless life. Perhaps you should solve your own problems before you try to police the lives of others. Also, you are ugly... fix that."
I like your Levin. LOL!
Kit, We did indeed discuss the Mexican band idea -- they live under Glenn Beck's bed. I forget that they were supposed to look like Che Guevaras. Weren't they also wearing Boehner masks?
Kit, It's par for the course. As an aside, Drudge is the same -- never trust his headlines because about half are entirely wrong, if not the opposite of what the article actually says.
T-Rav, How funny would that be! I would love to hear the complaints from kids if they went to the White House and got handed vegetables... especially lettuce.
Yeah, gay Mexican Marxists are all the rage this year!
Hmm. What do you guys think Rachel Maddow gives out at Halloween?
"Weren't they also wearing Boehner masks?"
Boehner and McConnell.
Rachel Maddow doesn't think of herself as a Halloween supporter, but she still won't say anything bad about it.
Kit, Scary. Add Pelosi and you have a trifecta of horror.
tryanmax, No doubt. And all other holidays are evil.
So Andrew, what is it that you people are smokin' in Colorado?? The student body at Univ. of Colorado has issued a "be nice and don't dress up like Indians or Cowboys or any other kind of racially/ethnically/genderly insensitive costumes, so you don't hurt anyone's feelings and make them feel bad about themselves" memo. They noticed that they forgot to add "Drunken College Student", "Drunken Frat Boy..er Male" or "Drunken Sorority Sister/Woman/Girl/Lady/Tramp". What gives? This is because I hold you personally responsible for all that happens in Colorado...
Rachel Maddow probably hands out condoms...for what reason she does not know.
Bev, I'm sorry, I will do my best to control the rest of the state. As for The People's Republic of Boulder, I'm surprised they didn't do this years ago. Boulder was PC before there was PC. Very hardcore lunatic left.
As for the tramps and dipsh*t frat boys, you can still hate them because we know they're all white and all rich. Woo hoo! Hate 'em if you got 'em! :D
I wanted to share this on a Halloween-themed post, but it's also about Obamacare, so I'm putting it here.
Check out this funny ad for optout.org. LINK Even though it's an ad, it's also a great comedy sketch. If conservatives were more supportive of each other in entertainment, this is the sort of thing that could be on in prime time.
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