Sunday, December 27, 2015


It's time to consult the great spirit guide for some New Years predictions! Some of these are crazy, like Lindsey Graham dropping out of his winning race for the White House, but others are quite serious. Feel free to add your own... serious or otherwise.

Let me enter my trance mode. Oh great spirit, feed me some bull that I may part these suckers of their money. Ohm. Ohm. Oh. I see something now... it's becoming clearer... it's the future!!!

...trying to find a way to assure voters after Squatgate, Hillary assures us that she will learn to use a urinal if elected.

...Hollywood makes a movie that is not a sequel, videogame or a comic book.

...Obama spends his last year in office vacationing at taxpayer expense.

...the Democrats will push the idea of Obama being the head of the UN.

...Bill Clinton gets caught fooling around with someone on Hillary's staff, possibly the Humma chick.

...realizing that Isis is the name of a comic book goddess (blech... a woman!), ISIS changes their name to get a better acronym. They go through GIRLZRULE, DIKLESS and BITCHZ before settling on the indisputably scary Great Allah's Youth Brigade Of Yon Zaharwi. Who's laughing now infidels?!

...Marco Rubio wins the Republican nomination.
...Hillary Clinton wins the Democratic nomination.
...some pothead wins the Libertarian nomination.
...having lost the GOP primary, Trump runs as head of the Mexican-free Gay-free Genuine Real American Macho Tough Guy Totally Pure Conservative Party. His policies maybe crony-socialist, but at least he's a jerk!

...the economy bounces along on the edge of recession throughout 2016. year's college football playoff teams will be Alabama, USC, Ohio State, Michigan.

...Putin stars as an action hero in a new movie. There are rumors that the scene where he beats the bad guy to death with his penis was real, not a stunt, but there are counter-rumors that the penis he used was a stunt penis.

...Hillary comes out against AIDS, against the Soviet Union, against Nazism, against famine in Africa and against crack cocaine. She believes the characters from the movie Wall Street are the worst villains of our age and she promises to arrest Charlie Sheen if she gets elected. She comes out in favor of building the internet, in favor of the personal computer, and in favor of SALT II. Says it is too early to issue opinions on the 1990s yet.

...responding to Hillary, Donald Trump comes out in favor of AIDS, in favor of the Soviet Union, in favor of Nazism, in favor of famine in Africa and in favor of crack cocaine. He believes the characters from the movie Wall Street are the greatest heroes of our age and he promises to give the Congressional Medal of Freedom to Charlie Sheen. He comes out against building the internet and against the personal computer, but he likes salt too.

...Hulk Hogan comes out as transexual and starts dating Bruce Jenner.

...North Korea sneak attacks China, but their army is dispersed by the plethora of fast food joints they find.

...the movie "World of Warcraft" will be the year's biggest bomb.

...cloning of humans will be a real thing and all the fears of it going wrong will prove unfounded.
...clong of humans will b real ting and fear of it will prove unfounded.
...clng of man will bring fear prove founded.
...404 error

...Obama will come out of the closet and admit that Michelle used to be a man.

...Muslims finally form Caliphate and quickly hate the guy they elect Grand Poobah. With apologies to INXS.... caliphate... caliphate... gotta hate... too irate... the infidel I ate... not feeling great... constipate... constipate... sit and wait... oh what a fate...

...Apple will introduce nothing really interesting this year.

...Bernie Sanders demands a ban on sitting because it's bad for your health.

...Jeb Bush hired to give speeches at insomnia clinics.

...Marco Rubio elected President.

Good stuff huh? You can take these to the bank!


tryanmax said...

...the next big social/mobile app will be bought by Facebook and fizzle out, not necessarily in that order. feminists will expand the definition of rape to include asking for consent without prior consent to do so. Male students will be required to wear trigger warnings on their clothes at all times.
...having put partisanship aside to pass the Every Student Succeeds Act in 2015, Democrats and Republicans will again find common ground in agreeing that it is terrible, and the terribleness is entirely the other party's fault.

AndrewPrice said...

tryanmax, I can see feminists proposing that actually! "You can't just ask for consent without first asking for consent to ask for consent! Even Hitler wouldn't have done that!"

Kit said...

Having achieved "peace and security in Syria" this year, the State Department will spend 2016 doing the same in Iraq. And they will succeed.

EPorvaznik said...

... a GOP candidate will forget to pay the simple process of paying the licensing fee for a campaign song, lefty rocker will predictably get panties in a bunch ...

(Love the INXS nod, AP!)

BevfromNYC said...

It's my birthday today, I have been in Dallas doing my best "Dorothy Gale from Kansas" impression dodging tornados for the last few days, and I am a wreck. I have experienced all 4 seasons in 4 days. I am afraid to even imagine what 2016 will bring!

Critch said...

The Fed will be forced to stop pumping the economy and the DJIA will fall 8000 points,,,coupled with the rise in interest rates the Democrats will be in full retreat, and blaming Obama all the way. Obama will come out of the closet and admit that he was Muslim all along and his wife will start wearing a hajib...Al Sharpton will be indicted for tax fraud and sent to jail.

Kit said...

Finally got your Great Allah's Youth Brigade of Yon Zawahiri joke. Hehe.

Koshcat said...

-It will come out that Hillary is a butch lesbian, had 3 self induced abortions, and killed a young, black girl-boy lover with her bare hands...and still be elected president because Americans will be frighted of being accused of being racists, sexist, anti-abortion, anti-mercy killing to vote against her.

AndrewPrice said...

Kit, Nice one on Syria! LOL!

Glad you got the Great Allah joke! :) Personally, I'd love to see them accidentally take on a GIRLZRUL acronym. LOL!

AndrewPrice said...

Critch, I have never in my life felt that the stock market was more fake than today. Without the Fed, I also imagine it will crash.

Would love to see Sharpton in jail!

AndrewPrice said...

Koshcat, LOL! Somehow, I can see all of that being true.

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